Jeff Wilder's Soapbox

2010-01-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

Telemarketers.

As I continue on my current job search I find myself reflecting on when I once worked as a telemarketer. Yes, I was one of those assholes pestering you on the phone. So on behalf of everyone else who worked with me, I apologize!

At the telemarketing company they had a rule that all employees had to have their shirts tucked in. Had to have our shirts tucked in to call people up and hassle them over the telephone???? I mean, telemarketing is only a small step above working at McDonald’s or Checkers and there you aren’t harassing people in their own homes.

“Hello. This is Jeff calling from McDonald’s. Would you like to try the new quarter pounder?”“Shut up asshole and go away! (SLAM!)”

So they tried to get us to keep our shirts tucked in. Of course, very few of us had our shirts actually tucked in. Especially not Ishmael my co-worker. So Ahab, the supervisor, goes around and starts ordering us to tuck in our shirts. But Ahab had no problem with people showing up for work dressed like Dennis Rodman.

Dressed like Dennis Rodman! You couldn’t get away with dressing like Dennis Rodman at McDonald’s. You’d scare the kids on the playground! The only place you could get away with showing up for work dressed like Dennis Rodman is the school cafeteria. That and being a telemarketer!

Need to work yet don’t want to actually do any work? Be a telemarketer! Have no experience? No problem! Telemarketing companies hire EVERYONE. Crackhead? No problem! Drug dealer? No problem! They won’t hire just anybody at McDonald’s or Burger King. But they will hire anyone to be a telemarketer. They’d hire Saddam Hussein to be a telemarketer. If telemarketer’s existed in Genghis Khan’s time, they’d hire him.

Genghis Khan: This is Genghis calling on behalf of XXXX products. We value your business and would like you to have…Customer: No thanks…HEY!! What are you doing here?? PUT THAT SWORD DOWN!!!! Okay I’ll buy it!

So if you desperately need a job and have a choice between being a telemarketer and selling crack, sell the crack. At least there you're providing a service that some people actually do want.

2010-01-02T20:28:00.001-08:00

Another year over, a new one just begun

So 2009 comes to an end and not a moment too soon. I can't really complain about it too much as it was a difficult year for me. But I know a few people for whom it was much harder so I musn't bitch about it. That's one of my main resolutions for this year: Not to get off on rants so easily. Another one is to take better care of myself. And my main goal for the year is to get a film made, even if it's just a 5-minute one.

Went to the lodge for a New Years eve party. The party was fun overall. The food was good and the people I was with were great people. The only drawback was the entertainment.

The person in charge of planning the entertainment hired 2 people to do it. The first was local pianist Tony Chance. He wasn't too bad even if he did remind me a little too much of Michael Buble. The problem was the guy who came after him. He was some geezer who specialized in playing (on a keyboard) primarily easy listening caca. Stuff like Barry Manilow and watered down versions of some rock and swing standards. His version of Johnny B Goode reminded me more of Paul Anka's cover more than Chuck Berry's classic original.

Some people looking at the composition of about 35% of the attendees at the party might say that playing music of that type was appropriate. But most of the people there were rock and roll fans. The oldest ones grew up with early rock (IE: The aforementioned Berry).

Last year there was a DJ who played a mix of music ranging from earlu rock to Frank Sinatra to swing to hip-hop to Michael Jackson. Good selections overall.

So this year (or more accurately last year) about halfway through the party, many of us in attendance were ready to hog-tie the geezer entertainer and send him back to the retirement home he came from.

Other than that the party was great.

Here's to a great 2010 for everyone.

2009-11-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

21st Century Breakdown

Here's hoping anyone who may read this had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was pretty good. Turkey for me and turkey for you as Adam Sandler once put it.

After being one of the 100,000.00 Americans unemployed for most of the past year, I finally landed a new job. The problem is, it's only temporary for the holidays with the possibility of becoming permanent.

So I might go and make some money for a while and then have to go back and pound the pavement again.

The last year in a way has been the 21st Century Breakdown that Green Day referred to on their latest album. People call the 80s the Decade of Greed. But the 80s don't have anything on the 00s (or whatever the armchair social studies teachers call them nowadays), which saw more mass consumer spending, more out of control spending by the government, more mergers, more mass corporate acquisitions and an ever widening gap between the rich and the poor.

Many people who once aspired to do "great things" instead spent most of the past decade being "consumers". Recall the scene in The Graduate where Mr. Mcguire informs Ben Braddock that there's a future in "plastics". Gen X went from being the grunge generation to being the dot com generation to ultimately being the plastics generation. Which is what happens to most generations, Braddock's included.

People now wonder why didn't the sixties generation live up to its full potential. In a few decades, I suspect some armchair sociologists (a group of which I admittedly am a member) will look back and wonder why the same thing happened to Gen X. I think there are 2 reasons for this. One, the simple fact is that there is a fine line between talking about a revolution and actually having one. It's fun to talk about a revolution much as it was fun back in high school to fantasize about overthrowing the administration of Piper High. But did we actually do it? No. The reason why we didn't is because we realized that toppling a hierarchy will likely leave a vacuum that you better have the wherewithal to fill. If you don't, the result will most likely be organized chaos or flat out anarchy.

The other one is that Gen X never had a central counterculture, never had a firm set of oppositional values. There were many spin-off crowds based on tastes in things like music (Alt rock, hip-hop) and movies (Star Wars, Harry Potter), subcultures (Goths, tech geeks) and so on. But while members of those groups would intersect with members of the other groups, they often would quickly retreat back to their respective little harem. Eventually, most of them either retreated totally to their own personal space (as I did) or they got ground up in the machine. A lot of the tech geeks set out to join the dot com boom and when that fizzled, ended up in management positions in places like TAG. A few did go on to become "artists". But those were few and far between. The sad truth is that many Gen Xers had very few original thoughts in their head. That's why so many of them ended up in plastics.

So here I am, grateful to finally be employed again. But worried that the job may not last and I may end up pounding the pavement again in a month or so while confronted with a higher insurance bill. At the same time, I'm also trying to avoid getting ground up in the corporate machine and winding up an unhappy corporate drone doped by sex, religion and daytime TV (to paraphrase the late John Lennon).

2009-10-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

The Glass Teat

http://www.avclub.com/articles/crosstalk-is-it-time-for-the-simpsons-to-call-it-a,2005/

I have my own thoughts on the question posed in that A/V club article and I shall get to them shortly. But for now, let me offer a few thoughts on the medium of television itself.

Someone I know once observed that it's kind of elitist to say that one doesn't watch TV. One could argue that the act of actually turning on a TV, even if it's just long enough to put a movie in the DVD player is watching TV. So I will say that yes, I do watch TV. But usually it's long enough until I hit the play button on my DVD player.

That being said, there have been (and to an extent in some regards still are) TV shows that I like(d) enough to watch on a regular basis. However, those shows are few and far between.

The most recent example is HBO's "The Wire". A lot of TV critics have called that the "best dramatic TV show ever" and while that may be typical critic hyperbole, it isn't that far from the truth in actuality. On the surface, "The Wire" was a cop show. But look a little bit beneath the surface and you'll see it was a superb human drama about life in big city America and the way we live and think right now. Does this mean it will come off as dated about 10 years from now? I don't know yet. But for now, it's in the upper echelon of TV dramas.

The other big (now defunct) HBO show for me was of course "The Sopranos". That was one show that started superb and managed to remain at least good until the end, even if it would've been better if it had ended one season earlier. The wacky ending did have me scratching my head. But now I see it as the only logical conclusion for the show to come to.

That's it as far as truly good dramatic shows go. I started watching "24" when it began its run. But the inane scheduling caused me to lose track and coming back in leaves me confused now. So after a while I gave up on the likes of Jack Bauer.

At times I will turn on Comedy Central, usually to watch South Park, but also to catch a stand-up special or The Daily Show. Jon Stewart's program is hilarious. However to me, it's also kinda falling victim to cultural saturation. It's gone from being the hipster answer to SNL's weekend update to being the daily half hour version of it. Which in one sense is good. However, it is possible to on occasion become nostalgic for the days when it was more of an underground thing. Still it's better to see it appreciated instead of un-appreciated and cancelled. As for South Park, it's still funny. Maybe not as edgy or novel as it was a decade ago. But it's earned the right to be where it is now. As long as Trey Parker and Matt Stone keep the humor coming, I'll be there.

I'm not a regular watcher of the "Law and Orders/CSIs". My dad and stepmom are both fans and I'll on occasion watch an episode if I end up in the same room where one is on and there's nothing else to watch or do. They aren't bad shows. But they've also gotten so over saturated that there's nothing really you can do with them outside of the limited corner they've painted themselves into.

I do NOT watch ANY of the reality TV shows or game shows (aside from syndicated episodes of Jeopardy). 99% of those shows are simply postmodern versions of what Chuck Barris "pioneered" back in the 1960s. "American Idol" is simply a meaner, 21st century "Gong Show". When "Survivor" first started, I sat down and actually tried to watch an episode. Got 5 minutes into it, realized I was about as entertained as I would've been if I'd decided to watch Rob Schneider get his eyebrows trimmed, turned it off and never watched another episode of it again.

Sitcoms? Well there's one sitcom on right now that offers real humor and is written with a certain level of intelligence. That show of course is "Two And A Half Men". Aside from that. most sitcoms nowadays are truly godawful. I think I was one of the few people in America that did NOT LOVE "Everybody Loves Raymond". "King Of Queens" offered some mild amusements here and there. But was burdened by pathetic characters. "Yes Dear" was even more pathetic.

Actually funny sitcoms with intelligent writing are a rarity as has been pointed out in numerous other outposts on the web. Of the ones that have actually been in first run (as opposed to simply syndicated re-runs) during my lifetime we've had "All In The Family" (as well as most of the Norman Lear catalog), "Newhart", "The Golden Girls", "The Cosby Show", "Cheers" and "Seinfeld". While I will not hesitate to admit to a guilty pleasure enjoyment of "Gilligan's Island", "The A-Team", "Roseanne", "Martin", "Laverne and Shirley" and "The Fresh Prince" I also will not commit blog malpractice by ranking those shows in with the ones I listed last sentence.

Now getting back to that question posed in the article about "The Simpsons".

There was a time (1992-1999) when "The Simpsons" was the best thing on TV. Those days have passed. In its first season, "The Simpsons" was a very good, yet not quite great show. Yet it got better as it moved away from simply being about Bart The Brat and focusing more on Homer and the other residents of Springfield. The golden age of Springfield lasted for the years I noted above. Around 2000 it started on a slide not into mediocrity. But into being just another TV show. It still does manage to produce some good episodes. But it's no longer the funniest, most intelligent comedy on TV.

Part of the problem is that nearly every animated prime-time show that's came along since "The Simpsons" rips them off in ways that are either obvious ("Family Guy", "South Park") or not so obvious ("King Of The Hill"). The problem though is that so many of those shows are taking what "The Simpsons" did to new levels and to an extent, doing it better.

The other part of the problem is that longevity can be a double edged sword in the world of TV. Think of the "intelligently funny" sitcoms I referred to a few paragraphs earlier. A few of them ("Cosby" and "Seinfeld") had the smarts to know when they were running out of gas and yanked the plug at the right time. "All In The Family" may easily have been the edgiest sitcom ever (probably the only one to place ahead of "The Simpsons"). But it wore out its welcome once the Jeffersons and Stivics split and the show proceeded to mutate into the lesser "Archie Bunker's Place" (although there were still a few good moments here and there, most notably the ones involving the loss of Edith).

So is it time for "The Simpsons" to go to that TV graveyard in the sky? Half and half. Part of me thinks it might be safer to pull the plug before the show does devolve into being a mediocre one. Yet, the other side of me remembers that what made the show great during its glory years was its willingness to take risks. So my overall advice would be to keep going for now. Yet, I would strongly recommend that Matt Groening and Co begin considering exit strategies now before the show ends up with ridiculous plots like Bart becoming a card carrying member of Future Educators of America.

One final note: I enjoyed "The Simpsons Movie" overall, yet it still felt like something was missing. Almost like Groening and Co had an opportunity to break out beyond the constraints of TV yet they chose not to take it. Had they pushed the limit the way Parker and Stone did with the "South Park" movie, they might have created a movie that was truly great as opposed to merely very good.

2009-09-06T07:06:00.000-07:00

(A friend forwarded me the following.)

It seems that an article was written to Sister 2 Sister magazine by A WHITE woman who requested a response from Coloured men. I'm so glad She got what she asked for (and more)!!!

She wrote:

Dear Jamie

I'm sorry but I would like to challenge some of your Coloured male readers. I am a White female who is engaged to a Coloured male-good-looking, educated and loving. I just don't understand a lot of Coloured female's attitudes about our relationship. My man decided he wanted me because the pickings amongst Coloured women were slim to none. As he said they were either too fat, too loud, too mean, too argumentative, too needy, too materialistic or carrying too much excess baggage. Before I became engaged, whenever I went out I was constantly Approached by Coloured men, willing to wine and dine me and give me the world. If coloured women are so up in arms about us being with their men, why don't they look at themselves and make some changes. I am tired of the dirty looks I get and snide remarks when we're out in public. I would like to hear from some Coloured men about why we are so appealing and coveted by them. Bryant Gumbel left his wife of 26 years for one of us. Charles Barkley, Scottie Pippen, the model Tyson Beckford, Montell Williams, Quincy Jones, James Earl Jones, Harry Belafonte, Sydney Poitier, Kofi Anan, Cuba Gooding Jr., Don Cornelius, Berry Gordy, Billy Blanks, Wesley Snipes... I could go on and on. But, right now, I'm a little angry and that is Why I wrote this so hurriedly. Don't be mad with us, White women, Because so many of your men want us. Get your acts together and learn from us.And we may lead you to treat your men better. If I'm wrong, Coloured men,Let me know. Thanks-Disgusted White Girl, Somewhere in S A!!!!

RESPONSE

Dear Jamie:

I would like to respond to the letter written by A Disgusted White Girl. Let me start by saying that I am a 28-year old Coloured man. I Graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in Atlanta , Georgia With a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Business Management. I have a good job at A major corporation and have recently purchased a house. So, I Consider myself to be among the ranks of successful Coloured men. I will not use my precious time to slander white people. I just want to set the record straight of why Coloured men date white women Back in the day, one of the biggest reasons why Coloured men dated white women was because they were considered easy. The Coloured girls in my neighborhood were raised in strict homes. They were very strict about when they lost their virginity and who they lost it to. Because of our mpatience to wait, brothers would look for someone who would give it up easy without too much hassle. So, they turned to the white girls. Nowadays, in my opinion, a lot of brothers date white women because they are docile and easy to control. A lot of Coloured men, because of insecurities, fears, and overall weaknesses, have become intimidated by the strength of our Coloured women. We are afraid that our woman will be more successful than us, make more money than us, drive nicer cars and own bigger houses. Because of this fear, many Coloured men look for a more docile woman. Someone We can control. I have talked to numerous Coloured men and they continuously comment on how easy it is to control and walk over their white women. I just want to set the record straight. I want A Disgusted White Girl to know that not all successful Coloured men date white women. Brothers like Ahmad Rashad, Denzel Washington, Michael Jordan, Morris Chestnut, Will Smith, Blair Underwood, Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds, Samuel L. Jackson, and Chris Rock all married strong black/Coloured women And, to flip the script, there are numerous white men, in and out of the spot light, who openly or secretly desireColoured women over white women. Ted Danson, Robert DeNiro, and David Bowie to name a few. I just don't Want a "Disgusted White girl" to be misinformed, Stop thinking that Because you are white that you are some type of goddess. Remember, when Indian Egyptian Queens like Hatsepshut and Nitorcris were ruling Dynasties and armies of men in Egypt, you were over in the caves of Europe eating raw meat and beating each other over the head with clubs. Read your history! It was the Coloured woman that taught you how to cook and season your food. It was the Coloured woman that taught you how to raise your children. It was Coloured women who were breast feeding and raising your babies during slavery. It is the Coloured woman that had to endure watching their fathers, husbands, and children beaten, killed, and thrown in jail. Coloured women were born with two strikes against them: beingColoured and being a woman. And, through all this, Still They Rise! It is because of the Coloured women's strength, elegance, power, love and beauty that I could never date anyone except my Coloured Queen. It is not just the outer beauty that captivates and draws me to them. It is not the fact that they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and shades that I love them. Their inner beauty is what I find most appealing about a Coloured women. Their strong spirit, loving and nurturing souls, their integrity, their ability to overcome great obstacles, their willingness to stand for what they believe in, and their determination to succeed and reach their highest potential while enduring great pain and suffering is why I have fallen in love with Coloured women. I honestly believe that your anger is geared more toward jealousy And envy more so than snotty looks. If this were not so, then why do you continuously go to tanning salons to darken your skin? If you are so proud to be white, then why don't you just be happy with your pale skin? Why do you continue to inject your lips, hips, and breasts with unnatural and dangerous substances so you can look fuller and more voluptuous? I think that your anger is really a result of you wanting to have What the Coloured woman has... BOTTOM LINE: If I were looking for a docile woman, someone I can Walk over and control, I would give you a call. But, unfortunately, I am looking for a Virtuous Woman. Someone that can be a good wife and mother to my children. Someone who can be my best friend and understands my struggles. I am looking for a soul mate. I am looking for a sister and; unfortunately, you do not and CANNOT fit the bill. No offense taken, none given.

Signed, Coloured Royalty

My Response To Both Of Them

Dear Disgusted White Girl and Coloured Royalty

I am currently 31 years old. I happen to be white. Over the 31 years of my life, I have had many friends, both black and white. I do not look at issues of race when it comes to friendship. Why should that matter one iota? I find myself reminded of Dr. King's quote about "content of character, not color of skin".

Recently I had a brief "sort of" love affair with a black woman. It didn't work out as a romance although our friendship lives on. I fell in love with her because she's a very sweet, very caring woman. I love her and she loves me as a friend and that's a good foundation for genuine love. In fact, I strongly suspect that so many bursts of romantic love fall apart because there's no love as friends between them.

I felt love for this woman because she was so sweet and so caring. I loved her because of her playfully naughty yet unmalicious side. I loved her because she's a girl I can talk with and share some good laughs with.

We'd been through quite a bit together and race didn't matter at all. Imagine race mattering to two soldiers of different races who saved each other's lives.

During this brief "romance", most people I know (of both races) were supportive. However, I had a few hecklers on both sides. On one hand, there were a couple rednecky types who I don't really need to elaborate on further. And there were a few people from the other side who said "Oh Jeff. You got a serious case of jungle fever" (dammit Spike Lee. I love your movies. But why did you have to introduce THAT term into the vernacular). Why can't love be colorblind? Why, if I meet a black woman and I like her and she reciprocates the feelings and we decide to go out and after a few years, we may even contemplate the idea of (GASP) marriage, should it be a damn issue?

While both of you presented your arguments well, there was a little too much GENERALIZING in your letters. Not all white woman fall into the cliched "Sit down and remain in the home" philosophy as neither do all black women fall into the virtuous category. I've loved the black women I've loved in my life for the reasons I mentioned above. I've loved some white women for the same reasons.

As far as examples both in and out of the spotlight, over the past few years I've witnessed MANY mixed race couples in real life (as opposed to movies and TV shows). Couples where the racial difference fell on each side. Maybe we can soon get to the point where we can stop looking at it in terms of black and white. Maybe we're nearer to the point where we can proceed from the perspective that what we are are PEOPLE and let's proceed from there. I surely hope so.

Cordially
Jeff Wilder

2009-01-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

Meaning of Life

In the January 2009 issue of Esquire, there is a section where a cross-section of Americans are interviewed and asked to impart various bits of wisdom from life. The people interviewed ranged from Clint Eastwood to Bill Richardson to composer/pianist Phillip Glass.

A while back I was composing a list of life lessons to help celebrate a friends fortieth birthday. That list previously appeared in this space. After reading the issue of Esquire, I went back and re-read my list and then thought of some new ones I would add.

So without further ado.

The act of writing for the screen and writing for the page is so completely different. In essence, writing a screenplay is like composing a piece of music. You have to make sure it flows. In a way, making a film is like building a house. The house has to have a foundation. But it’s what you do when you move in and customize the house that makes it desirable to live in. With a film, you have to have a solid script. But don’t just photograph the script or you just end up with a photographed play.

Everyone has rhythm regardless of whether or not they can dance. I can dance and I try to bring a certain level of rhythm to everything I do. I don’t know whether or not Martin Scorsese can dance. But every single one of his films has a sense of rhythm. So try to bring a sense of rhythm to everything you do. To me that makes a lot more sense than “whistle while you work”.

You can trace most everything good from a cultural stand point of today back to the blues. Everything from rock and roll to hip-hop to great cinema to wonderful literature.

There is a difference between culture and pop ephemera.

There are more reference points between Punk, hip-hop and old time country than most people realize. Punk grew out of young frustration with corporate America/Britain and a shitty economy. Early country drew from many of the same points as did the blues. Hip-hop and punk share many of the same frustrations. Johnny Cash was in essence one of the first rappers in terms of lyrical content.

If I had known when I graduated from high school that I wanted to be a filmmaker I would have headed directly for film school, even though my parents would NOT have been thrilled with the idea at all.

If Ray Charles came along today, no record label would sign him.

“Time of Your Life” is a good song. But it’s sort of an anomaly in the Green Day canon. In essence, it’s the Green Day song for people who don’t like Green Day.

Uwe Boll is the director for people who don’t get Michael Bay.

Proposition 8 is an example of taking power out of the hands of individuals and putting it in the hands of a group. Passing it is taking a dangerous step toward loss of individual and personal freedom. Of course, that’s the Libertarian in me.

That Kenny Rogers lyric that advises card gamblers you have to “know when to hold em, know when to fold em” can easily be applied to relationships.

I always loved to learn. But I didn’t like school aside from a few classes. So I don’t subscribe to the “we don’t need no education” philosophy. We ALL need education. But school far too often gets in the way of actual education. You learn a lot more from life experience.

Technically I would be considered a part of Gen Y as I was born right in the middle of it. But in reality, I see myself as more of a late arriving Gen Xer. Or better yet, as not belonging to any pre-established group at all. I tend to look at people as individuals, not as members of groups. Schools far too often try to put people in groups.

It is possible to love someone as a friend and not want to lose them as a friend and still love them romantically and long for them on that level.

2008-09-30T18:32:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin Speaks

“Good evening. Friends, Romans, countrymen…oh wait!

Let’s try that again. Is this thing on?

Good evening. I’m happy to be here and so grateful that Sen. McCain chose me. Me, of all people. Look at what’s happened to me. I can’t believe it myself…

Now I’ve had to deal with some hard questions from the liberal media. Questions on whether or not I’m fit to lead. I’ve even had some people diss me on the internet (didn’t their mamas raise them better than that), comparing me to Dan Quayle! What’s wrong with those people? I can spell Potato. P-O-T-A-T-O. Or is it Potahto, like that song goes? Who cares? I just know there’s no E in it. At least he didn’t misspell semen as seamen!

Now one of those hard questions the liberal media keep asking me is if I know enough about foreign policy. Specifically do I know enough to deal with foreign policy issues should McCain kick or drop-kick the bucket and I end up as President Palin. Sheesh! Why did they never ask that question of George W Bush? Because they saw how close Texas is to Mexico! They also didn’t ask it of Obama or Hillary because New York and Arkansas have no foreign territories near them. Aside from Georgia of course. It is near Arkansas isn’t it? Then we should’ve sent troops in there when Russia invaded. But how did Russia get troops to Georgia I wonder. I know. They snuck them in through Alaska when I was still busy celebrating my selection as candidate! So I’ll need to get back to Alaska once the election is over and if we lose so I can tighten up the border security. But at least I know how to tighten up state border security. That’s more than Hillary knew. That’s why she lost. So please stop comparing me to Hillary! Her defense policy would involve using a pea shooter on the Russians. Me, I’d use a super soaker.

That brings me to another irritant. The tendency of people to say Sen. McCain picked me to draw in the Hillary voters. Why would he do that? To paraphrase the late Lloyd Bentsen; I’m no Hillary Clinton. Nor would I want to be. I’d rather be Imelda Marcos. She has all the good shoes. Look at fast I lose heels. Imelda never had that problem I bet!

When I first took the office of Governor of Alaska I told my constituents “Ask not what you can do for the caribou. Ask what the caribou can do for you”. They took my advice. Today, over 30% of the homes in Alaska have caribou carpeting. Many people have cut back on fattening fast food hamburgers. Hold the pickles; hold the lettuce, caribou meat does not upset us. No, it’s a tasty treat.

Now-oh wait what is that. Oh it’s John signaling me that my time is almost up. So I will close by saying let’s focus on building that bridge to the future. Only this time, let’s make it a suspension bridge. That won’t be as likely to collapse. So thank you, good night, God bless America and God bless Alaska with its close proximity to Russia!”

2008-09-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

What Obama needs to say

“My fellow Americans.

I stand here in front of everyone. To some people I’m a hero. I’m the leader who came out of nowhere to lead the overthrow of an establishment that many see as incompetent at best or corrupt at worst. To some I’m the enemy, out to overthrow a system that they believe works. And to a few, specifically those who believe every commonly known yet commonly false rumor that crosses the Internet, I’m a Muslim and by association a terrorist or terrorist supporter.

Well I’m here to say that all of that doesn’t matter anymore.

It’s no longer about those old arcane notions of viewing each other. It’s no longer about Liberal or Conservative, Republican or Democrat. It’s about those who actually want to move forward, those who desire real progress and those who want to keep the status quo.

Remember after Hurricane Katrina when Kanye West said ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’. He was right. However, his observation was way too limited. Bush does not care about black people. However he also does not care about Hispanic, Asian or non-rich white people either.

Apathy is out there. And right now, that is what is doing us real harm.

When Ronald Reagan ran for president in 1980, he asked a very pertinent question of voters. The question was: ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’

Now I’m here to ask the same question, only with a slight numerical change. My fellow Americans: Are we better off now than we were in September 2000?

How many people believe we are? A show of hands please.

That’s right. We most certainly are nowhere near better off than we were 8 years ago. We’ve been under an administration that had 8 years to actually get in there and get things done. We’ve had an administration that had many opportunities to improve things. And look where that has got us. As per the title of that Neil Young album, Everybody knows this is nowhere.

We need to move. We’ve been at nowhere too long.

Now my opponent John McCain will likely accuse me of flip-flopping at some point in the coming weeks. Allow me to laugh out loud while I ponder that for a minute or two.

Recall that Senator McCain previously made a run at the White House in 2000. When he ran, he ran as a moderate. One who mixed the right elements of so-called conservatism and liberalism. What did that get him? A crushing defeat by George W Bush in the primary.

So when McCain decided to run in 2008, what did he do? Reached right out to the so-called Moral Majority as exemplified by the likes of Pat Robertson and the late Jerry Falwell. I say so-called because they are neither moral nor are they a majority.

But what was his position on the so-called moral majority in 2000. Let’s go to the videotape:

“I am a pro-life, pro-family, fiscal conservative, and advocate of a strong defense. And yet, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and a few Washington leaders of the pro-life movement call me an unacceptable presidential candidate. They distort my pro-life positions and smear the reputations of my supporters.

Why? Because I don't pander to them, because I don't ascribe to their failed philosophy that money is our message.”

Those are the words of John McCain from a February 28 2000 speech in Virginia Beach. Think of that Mr. McCain, before you decide to accuse ME of flip-flopping.

McCain ran against Bush as an alternative to him. Now he wants to be Bush 2.0?

We do not need Bush 2.0. We need to reformat the whole system and start over fresh.

That folks is what we need. Real change. I will not actually promise anything because I cannot guarantee anything. Promising anything during a presidential run is like trying to run for class president in Middle School and promising to get the horrible food out of the cafeteria if you are elected. But this is what I would like to do once I get in there.

(Lists plans)

That’s the type of change I would like to see happen. So if you vote for me and work with me, maybe we can see change of that type happen. But I need your support.

Thank you”

2008-05-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

One of the most realistic scenes from a movie ever...

Recently I was watching that classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Is it just me or does the following scene remind you of the many confrontations we have with irate customers?

(The dialogue is quoted verbatim. The other comments I added)

Brad Hamilton: May I help you?

Angry Customer: Uh, yes. This is not the best breakfast I ever ate, and I'd like my money back.

(Brad sees that the customer has already ate more than half of his supposedly terrible breakfast. Just like a customer who claims never to have done anything that would get them barred from doing what they feel they have to do, yet we see numerous examples on their account.)

Brad: Uh, okay, I believe you have to fill out a form for that.

Angry Customer: (Acting like many customers who do not understand we have procedures to follow) Uh, no, I'd like my money back now.

Brad: I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way. You see, I have to fill out a form, and, well, you ate most of it already, so...

Angry Customer: (Acting like many customers who see consumerism as a form of breathing air) See that sign? It says, '100% guaranteed.' You know what the meaning of 'guaranteed' is? Do they teach you that here?

Brad: Sir, if you'd just wait a minute.

Angry Customer: (Like a customer at supervisor call level) I am so tired of dealing with incompetence. It says, '100% guaranteed,' you moron.

Brad: Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass!

Of course, if you saw the movie you know that Brad promptly was axed for blowing his stack at the customer. As would be the case if anyone where I work actually said that to a customer no matter how deserving they may be of it.

2008-05-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

Think Tank

It is possible for one to become so set in their ways that we simply cannot accept that others may see things differently.

If you're over the age of 40 and wear a baseball cap, please wear it correctly!

2008-03-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

Holding out for a hero.

Was over at Best Buy today when the local blood bank was doing a blood drive. They asked me to donate. I said no as I didn't think they would take any from me on account of the diabetes. They said it would be okay as long as my sugar is under control. Based on the readings of the past few weeks, I felt it was so I said okay.

Maybe it's because I take shots all the time. But I hardly felt the needle when it went in.

Donated blood, hopefully saved some lives. Someone there said I was a "hero". No, I answered, soldiers and firefighters are heroes.

"Sure you are" she said. "You just saved three lives".

Thanks for the compliment. But I still don't quite fit the hero tag I think.

2008-03-29T18:57:00.000-07:00

Think Tank 2

At work on Saturday morning. Reading Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide in between calls. Everyone should read Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide at least once in their lifetimes. But it should especially be read by those who work in the corporate world.

To paraphrase Chris Rock, there's white people and there's rednecks. And rednecks have got to go!

Go to Wal-Mart. Get mad when your check or credit card gets turned down and you can't purchase a shitload of stuff you didn't really need to begin with. So you get angry. But instead of asking to talk to a manager you decide uh-uh. You're like Howard Beale. So you wait until the salesman that declined you comes out of the store and walks to his car. When he gets there, you walks over and whack him over the head with a bottle of Budweiser. He goes down. Hit him again and again with the now busted bottle. Hit him again, the critter ain't dead! Leave him lying there in a pool of blood and beer and hop in your car with the confederate flag bumper sticker and take off. Heaven help anyone who gets in the way of the mindless redneck consumer.

No, not all southerners are rednecks, just as not all rednecks come from the south.

With apologies to Dr. Suess

George W. Bush will you please go now
The time has come. The time has come.
The time is now.
Just go.
Go. Go!
I don't care how.
You can go by foot.
You can go by cow.
George W. Bush will you please go now!
You can go on skates.
You can go on skis.
You can go in a hat.
But Please go. Please!
I don't care.
You can go
By bike. You can go
On a Zike-Bike
If you like.
If you like You can go
In an old blue shoe.
Just go, go, GO!
Please do, do, do, DO!
George W. Bush
I don't care how.
George W. Bush Will you please
GO NOW!
You can go on stilts.
You can go by fish.
You can go in a Crunk-Car
If you wish.
If you wish You may go
By lion's tale.
Or stamp yourself And go by mail.
George W. Bush Don't you know
The time has come
To go, go, GO!
Get on your way!
Please George W!
You might like going in a Zumble-Zay.
You can go by balloon . . .
Or broomstick.
Or You can go by camel
In a bureau drawer.
You can go by bumble-boat. . . or jet.
I don't care how you go.
Just get!
George W. Bush!
I don't care how.
George W. Bush
Will you please GO NOW!
I said GO
And GO I meant . . .
The time had come
So . . .
George WENT."

2008-03-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

Think Tank

Was sitting at work on a slow Saturday morning a few weeks ago, making my way through Hunter Thompson's classic book The Great Shark Hunt.

There was a time when I could have seen myself doing career-wise the type of journalism that Thompson did. Without ingesting all the LSD of course!

"Then came the hurdy gurdy man, singing songs of life"

I miss Cece

Is it possible to hate a job. But still be grateful you have it?

Dreamed one night that aliens were attacking the Sawgrass Mills Mall!

You know how at scenes of car accidents, there are always "onlooker delays". So many people seem to love to stop and watch pain and suffering. If they really love to stop and watch pain and suffering, why not give them a ticket to some war zone where they can REALLY watch pain and suffering?

Like the late journalist I.F Stone, I loved learning. But I hated school.

Learning is a great thing. But school far too often gets in the way.

2008-01-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

Much Inward Looking To Come In This Post....

I was recently reading "Lennon Remembers" the book length interview with Rolling Stone magazine that John Lennon gave in 1970. The interview took down much of the superhuman facade of Mr. Lennon and showed off his human side as he offered bluntly candid comments on his life, his music, Yoko and The Beatles.

One particular part of the interview that stuck out was when Lennon made the observation that most geniuses realize they're geniuses when they're very young and kind of want validation for it. He talks about how his aunt threw away some poetry and song lyrics he wrote when he was a teenager and how he told her she'd be sorry.

Why, Lennon wonders, was he not encouraged in following his own form of self-expression?

I raise the same question about myself. I labor under no illusions that I'm a genius on the level of Lennon or Ray Charles or Stanley Kubrick. Yet I wonder: Why, when it was obvious early on, that my true interest and talent lay in creative expression, was I not guided in that direction?

My parents always encouraged me to "follow your dreams". However, they seemed to talk the talk. But very rarely walk the walk. More often than not, it seemed like I was being guided on to the path toward corporate America. What was the reason? Was it fear that if I did not follow the path they envisioned for me, I would end up as a starving, free-loading, dilettante?

A while back my father and I were talking about how one of my former HS classmates went to law school and became a lawyer. Since then, he's used that as an example of how he feels I have not lived up to my potential yet.

You know what Dad? I agree with you on the second part. However, on the first part I strongly disagree. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't want to be a fucking lawyer or accountant? Did it ever occur to you that I didn't like being browbeat on to the corporate path, be it either by well-intentioned but misguided parents or by an educational system that's interested less in teaching its students how to think than what to think?

In all honesty, the only career outside of the creative sector to really have any appeal to me was teaching. But when I talked about maybe doing that back when I was still in school, I was told that I couldn't become a teacher unless I passed college level math. WHAT THE FUCK????? Why would I have to pass college level Math to be a history teacher??? Why????

Maybe I shouldn't have quit college when I did. Maybe that could have saved me form ending up exactly where I am now. Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe I would still be a corporate drone, only without any of my creativity or originality. Maybe I'd be convinced that being a drone was doing a great thing for myself and for society. Maybe. But I doubt it seriously.

At the time I started this blog nearly 4 years ago, I was working towards a goal of maybe being the next Mark Twain. At the time, I was looking for a job. Today I have a job and my goal has changed from being the next Twain to being the next Scorsese or Spike Lee. I cite those two men as my prime influences because they consistently put out great work and the work they put put is what they want you to see. That's what I want to do.

So off I go with my camera to shoot some scenes for a music video I will post on Youtube when it's completed. And I will close this entry with the following quote from the aforementioned Spike Lee:

"Parents kill more dreams than anybody else... so don't let anyone stand in the way of your dreams â€¦ I say my prayers every night because I get to do what I love."

2007-10-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

Bring On The Manson Bashers!

I was at work and gazed at one of the TV screens in the break area when I saw the news report about today’s school shooting in Cleveland Ohio.

Asa Coon, a 14-year old student at Successtech Academy, an alternative high school, opened fire on his classmates and wounded four of them, two students, and two teachers. He then shot and killed himself.

Luckily no one was killed so what happened here will most likely not resonate throughout the nation and around the world the same way what happened 8 years ago in Littleton Colorado did.

I do not wish to be insensitive. What happened in Cleveland is sad. Yet I find my head already starting to ache at how close we came to a repeat of what happened after Columbine.

In the AP news report on the Cleveland shooting, we have the following bit of info: “Witnesses said the shooter moved through the converted five-story downtown office building, working his way up through the first two floors of administrative offices to the third floor of classrooms. Officials said he was wearing a black Marilyn Manson concert shirt, black jeans and black-painted finger nails.”

Note that last sentence. A Marilyn Manson t-shirt, black jeans and black painted fingernails. Yes folks, time to sound the alarm. The Goths are back and there’s gonna be trouble.

Recall that after Columbine, everyone was looking for something or someone to blame. Some people correctly blamed Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. A few blamed the teen culture that fermented the state for these killings to take place in. Then there were the gun blamers. Then there were those who blamed the Goths and music, video games, movies etc.

One of the musical artists most commonly blamed was Marilyn Manson. Those who watched Michael Moore’s sort-of documentary Bowling For Columbine will recall the sequence where a series of clips of various politicians and pundits blaming Manson are aired back to back, followed by Moore’s interview with singer.

In the interview we had the following exchange:

Moore: If you were to talk directly to the kids at Columbine or the people in that community, what would you say to them if they were here right now?

Manson: I wouldn't say a single word to them, I would listen to what they have to say and that's what no one did.

As hard as it may be to believe, that was probably the most sensible and sane thing anyone said in the weeks after the Columbine tragedy.

So now we can wait until the Goth hunters and Manson bashers come out of the woodwork.

Recall that Charles Manson tried to claim that subliminal messages in the Beatles “White Album” inspired him to orchestrate his mass slaughter. Recall also that Mark David Chapman tried to claim that subliminal messages in Catcher in the Rye inspired him to kill John Lennon. Or that John Hinckley tried to blame the great movie Taxi Driver for his attempted assassination of former president Reagan.

Remember the Diablo video game that Adolph Hitler used to play? You know the one that inspired the holocaust. Didn’t Joseph Stalin and Tojo play it too? That must’ve been why they massacred all those people.

In fact, don’t violent music, movies and video games (as well as guns) go all the way back to the beginning of time? They must have since the world has always been a violent place. There’s gotta be more of an explanation for it than simply the fact that the world is “a violent place”.

So please people. This time, before we go berserk on the media for “Subversive, violent” content, let’s go after it for stupid content. Inane commercials like those Vytorin ones would be a good start. A few of those commercials and I’m ready to kill someone.

2007-09-08T18:52:00.001-07:00

Why I Hate My Generation

Actually hate is too strong a word. I don’t hate my generation. The only other title of this would be “I Hate My Country” and I don’t. I could also easily title this “Why I Hate Corporate America” or “Why the Establishment Needs to Be Burned to the Ground”. But those are clichéd.

What do I hate here? Well I could say I hate the government. But I don’t quite hate it. I trust it about as much as I trust the guy drinking Miller from a busted bottle in front of the 7-11 to pay me back the $11 I loaned him. But I don’t hate it. I have contempt for how it can ruin someone’s life in the blink of an eye. But I don’t hate it.

No, what I really hate is fakery. No none of that “keeping it real” shit we see on MTV and in the magazines. I hate fakers like Scott Stapp and Fred Durst. But luckily both of those assholes are on the express train to irrelevance if they haven’t already gotten there.

Some people may say I hate religion. No I do not hate religion. If one gets personal fulfillment from religion, how is that wrong? If they want to tell how they were personally fulfilled by religion fine. But what I cannot stand are those that scream how the world is headed for so and so apocalypse. So and so apocalypse that is until religious morality comes riding to the rescue to save us all. Puritanism never died, it just got re-packaged.

I could say that I hate Republicans. But that would be a lie. Some of my closest friends are Republicans. I could say that I hate George W Bush. But I don’t. I feel a mixture of contempt and pity when I think of him these days. But I don’t feel hatred. Contempt because of how badly he has messed up a lot. Pity because I don’t think he realizes how badly he has messed things up.

I could say that I hate all politicians regardless of party affiliation. But I don’t. Because most of them are not inherently bad people. What they do is allow themselves to get pulled into a system that leads them to believe “if you’re not a winner, you’re worthless”. So they become so concerned with doing what will make them winners that they have no concern for the people’s wants and needs.

So it would be more accurate to say that I to quote Clint Eastwood “hate the damn system”. I also hate the fact that so many are content to be passive consumers and not be citizens because it’s “too much responsibility”. I hate the fact that the trials and tribulations of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are considered “news”.

Ralph Nader’s political views are not very similar to mine. But he did make one observation during the 2000 election that was 100% on; “If you’re not turned on to politics, politics will turn on you”. Well said Ralph well said.

I could easily say that I hate the fact that we are heading more and more in an authoritarian direction with each passing day. That we are continuing to pay through the noses for a joke of government, to paraphrase Frank Zappa, and then we later on sit and wonder “how did those jokers get in there”.

I could say that I hate the fact that our society continues to move more and more in the direction of saying “one is not a person unless they have a college degree”. In that case, I guess Shakespeare, the Wright Brothers, George Washington, Mark Twain and numerous other men and women aren’t persons.

I could say that I hate the fact that society nowadays seems to place less on a person as an individual and more on the person as a member of a group. Why all this emphasis on groups? Why all the bullshit about races and creeds? Why not an acceptance that what we are are people. Let’s proceed from there.

I could say that the main problem I have with my generation is that far too many members of it are content to be passive consumers. I could say that this generation could easily be dubbed the MTV III generation and that is not a good thing. Then again, it’s not right to generalize about that. I know quite a few people who are my age or close to it that don’t fall into that category. I recall one of them saying when Anna Nicole died “I’m sorry for her family’s loss. But what happened to her has no effect on me personally”. Another close friend admires certain current celebrity icons. But she doesn’t just blindly follow them. She uses them as inspiration for her own dreams. She’s also a very smart woman. People like them are why I do not hate my generation per se. I just hate the passive complacent consumer attitude so many members of it have as do so many other people today.

And I do not hate America, despite what certain toe tag members of the right wing media may say in response to my dislike of certain politicians. No I love my country. That’s why I do not like seeing certain boneheads messing it up. I do not hate Corporate America per se. What I hate is the way it destroys individuality in the people that go into it.

So be optimistic. Don’t put all your faith in what certain leaders or TV salesmen may tell you, regardless of what they may be selling. Just be yourself. Don’t be turned off of politics to be turned on to US Magazine views of the world. Hold on to your individuality, even if the corporate Matrix tries to sand it away.

Here ends this rant.

2007-09-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

The Power Of Independent Thinking. Thoughts on college, consumerism and other things.

I was surfing the web not too long ago and came across an article by writer William Upski Wimsatt about the value of Do It Yourself Education. In the article, he talks about how he dropped out of Oberlin college and went out and traveled around the country and learned by meeting people, talking to them, doing and reading.

I agree 100% with Wimsatt's view that DIY education is the way to go. So many people today believe that if you don't go to college, you're going to be seriously screwed. Don't go to college and you'll end up jobless, broke and living on the streets.

Try telling that to Bill Gates. Or Steve Jobs. Or Kanye West even. You're not a person unless you have a four year college degree. In that case, say goodbye to the likes of Abraham Lincoln, William Shakespeare and Mozart.

A while back, I ripped the whole college system a good one on Epinions. The article inspired quite a few comments from people, many of whom agreed with it as well as some form those who didn't. One particular comment went to the effect of "what more do I need to learn".

Actually, there's ALWAYS more one can learn. The central problem is you're not really going to learn it in cramped crowded classrooms sweating over things like A+B=C or the meaning of the doppelganger in 18th century Brit Lit.

I've long maintained that the really important things I learned in high school are what I learned outside of the classroom. What I learned about life in general, about hierarchical systems, about relationships. Those are what you ultimately wind up using once one gets out into the real world.

What colleges should do is focus on expanding students knowledge in those areas. In theory, that's what they're supposed to be doing. They're supposed to theoretically make one a more well-rounded individual. However, it seems nowadays that college is more about making people into slightly more rounded members of groups. In essence, most people nowadays don't seem to go to college to learn a trade or how to be a more complete person. No, they go there to be prepared for their "oh so bright future in corporate America".

That is not to say that Corporate America is inherently evil or that there is a massive brainwashing conspiracy afoot in this land. There are many people in the so-called "entertainment industry" who would be better off in the private sector (get back into real estate Paris Hilton. Did the accounting firm close Carrot Top?). But it always seemed like we're evolving or more accurately devolving into a society that puts more value on busywork and getting things done a certain way than on creativity and getting things accomplished.

My point? If I ever have kids I will explain the purpose of education to them. I will not tell them shit like "it's okay to not do well in school". But I will explain to them that if they mess up in school, it's not the end of the world. I will explain to them the truth about middle school; that all it really is is a waylay station between elementary in high school. I will not force college on them, although if I feel they would benefit from going to college I would explain to them why I feel they should. Most importantly, I will try to foment individual and creative thinking in them. That way they can be who THEY are, regardless of whether they decide to go into Hollywood, Corporate America or go to work for Greenpeace. It's all about the individual.

2007-08-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

More from the Adirondacks

*On the way up I spend a lot of time reading, writing and listening to music. Music wise, I brought an eclectic mix of CDs mixing rock, soul, hip-hop and some Johnny Cash for good measure. Sheila sits across the table from me and listens in occasionally to some of my selections. At the beginning of the trip, she says she will listen to anything but rap. So at one point I put in Outkast's "Stankonia". As "Ms. Jackson" begins, Sheila starts to listen in. As the lyrics start I see her take her headset off, look over at me and say "Good one Jeff". (For the record, Outkast are the Beatles of hip-hop. But that's another matter for another day.)

Later on, Sheila listens along to Temple Of The Dog, Pearl Jam and Wilco. She expresses a liking for them.

*At one point on the second day of the drive-up I realize that Susan forwarded the home phone to her cell phone. I wonder aloud if that doesn't defeat the purpose of going on vacation.

*At Earl's house I shoot some footage of Gary drunk. One particular moment has him saying the word Gazebo. You then hear me saying "Spell it" and "There are Gazebos all over the world".

Due to an incident on a previous trip, the word Gazebo is to my father what Potato is to Dan Quayle. But of course my father is extremely intelligent, which is not something one can say for the now former veep.

*At one point on the trip we're playing Taboo. The word I get is Mad Cow Disease. So I say the first thing that pops into my head. "It's another way of saying PMS". I then offer some other hints. Eventually Matt gets it before the buzzer.

*One morning Lisa and I go for a relatively long walk. While walking, we're talking and cracking jokes. I get to talking about my then job at TAG and she talks about her job and how she enjoys it. I then get to thinking and observing aloud that we spend so much time trying to please other people rather than pleasing ourselves. I then talk a little about how I want to make movies and comment a little on my failed attempt at a romance with Darice.

*While driving back we pass through Bainbridge New York which is being advertised as the home of Elmer's Glue.

*While driving through Pennsylvania, we end up getting lost while trying to find the hotel.

2007-08-10T17:02:00.000-07:00

In The Never Ending Job Search

Been about a month since I left The Answer Group and I'm still looking for a job. I'm not one of those people who believes that the world owes me (or anyone else for that matter) a living. But when it gets tight, you find yourself questioning your beliefs. Not that I'm turning into a communist or anything. Have another interview lined up on Monday. Hope this one pans out.

In Other Sad News.

One of my closest friends from TAG went through a breakup. I sent her a message of condolence when I found out.

I would really like to invite her to come over so we could talk. I just need to think of a way to say it so it doesn't seem like I'm asking for a date. I like her a lot and I don't want to risk losing her friendship;

Cleopatra Jones

My friend from TAG wants to be an actress-model-singer. I could see her and I teaming up on a movie. Maybe her and I could co-write the script and she'd star in it.

Movies Or Bust

As I continue my job search I become more determined to get Desk Jockeys made and get Freakz finished. Let me get my movies written and made so I can focus on film making permanently and not be jumping from one corporate drone job to the next.

Random Thoughts From The Adirondacks

Last month I went vacationing with friends and family in the Adirondacks. If I had actually kept a journal while I was there I could probably fill at least 20 pages. Instead, here are some random observations and recollections:

*After setting out in the RV on the first day we stop at Cracker Barrel for breakfast. Usually when one goes in there, they're playing classic country music. Real country music, not that Redneck boy band shit that became popular over the last two decades. Anyway I walk in on that Thursday morning to get a table for our party of 6 and the first thing I hear is Dolly Parton's classic "Jolene". Reminds me of the days when music could be felt. Nowadays a lot of the music I'm not feeling. Thank goodness for the good artists that are still around.

*Upon arriving at the campsite, we find ourselves confronted by a couple of old humorless cretins who are in the campsite next to us. These humorless old ladies, we are informed, have been coming back to the camp at the same time every year because they were camping there one year with their father and he died. So now they view the place as if it were some burial ground and expect everyone else camping there to do the same. As my friend Earl put it: "Their father probably committed suicide from having to listen to them all the time". Anyway, their constant bitching makes it hard for us to have fun since they say we're always being too noisy. So some of us start fantasizing about immature and mean things to do to them. Earl suggests putting a dead fish in their camper's tires. Sheila thinks about getting some bullfrogs from the lake nearby and letting them loose in their camper. I fantasize about going by their campsite and tossing a few stink bombs. Of course none of us do that. But we do come close. Sheila admits to walking her dog over to their campsite one morning and letting him do his business right at the edge of it. I admit to passing by their site on the way to the showers and making a few farting noises in their direction. Luckily their constant complaining got to be too much for the park authorities and they moved them. Na na na na/na na na/Hey hey hey/Goodbye old crones.

*Fish in New York lakes and ponds appear to have grown brains. How else does one explain how you can be fishing in a lake full of fish and not catch one single solitary one. They gotta be thinking something like this.

Fish 1: Look. A hook with a worm.

Fish 2: Don't go near that hook you moron! Your cousin went near one and that was the last we saw of him.

Fish 3: He's right. You don't wanna end up on some gluttonous human's plate.

*We hear reports of bears in the area. But see no sign of Yogi and Boo Boo.

*Let this serve as a lesson. If you have a shirt you especially like, do not hang it on the ceiling of a pontoon boat covering. If it's a shirt you detest and you want to see it become fish food, go right ahead.

More thoughts sometime. Maybe even tomorrow. Who knows. Until then...

2007-05-21T16:16:00.001-07:00

In Today's News

Former President Jimmy Carter announced today that he was mistaken when he referred to George W Bush as having the worst impact on the nation around the world. In actuality, he was referring to long irrelevant Nirvana/Pearl Jam knock-off band Bush as “having the most adverse impact on the positive influence of grunge and theoretical alt rock and that GW Bush was too much in their league and not enough in Pearl Jam’s league”. The Bush White House had no comment on this new observation.

The Bush Administration did however announce plans to begin bombing Microsoft headquarters in Redmond Washington. The bombing will begin once citizens in the surrounding area have been given sufficient time to evacuate, avoiding as much collateral damage as possible. In an interview, Bush said that after trying to use Windows Vista for 4 months and failing miserably at it, he is convinced that Vista “qualifies as a weapon of mass destruction. Of one’s personal computer that is.”

Authorities have announced that Paris Hilton will not have to serve 45 days in prison. Instead her sentence will be reduced to just 10 days if she agrees to stay off of the cover of People Magazine for two whole years. If she fails to do so, she will be required by law to have plastic surgery.

Fresh off the success of assisting in getting Don Imus booted off the air for referring to the Rutgers female basketball team as “Nappy Headed Hoes”, the Reverend Al Sharpton has started on a new campaign. The campaign will be to get Home Depot to remove all garden hoes from the garden tool department. It is still unknown whether Reverend Jesse Jackson will be joining Reverend Sharpton on this crusade.

Congress announced a change in immigration policy. The change is that all immigrants be they legal or illegal will be automatically be granted citizenship if they change their last name to Smith immediately upon entering the country.

Al Gore announced that he has determined that Global Warming may in fact be caused by political rhetoric from both the extreme left and right. “If the likes of Coulter and Moore would just calm down a little, maybe the earth would be better” Gore said.

And in Entertainment News, it is revealed that much of the general public has acknowledged that much of the popular music of today is EXTREMELY derivative. One man on the street interviewee was quoted as saying. “Of course James Blunt is a Van Morrison wannabe who will be largely irrelevant two years from now. Dagnabbit he’s our Van Morrison wannabe who will be irrelevant two years from now. Of course Coldplay is bad U2. Of course John Mayer is Dylan watered down.” Further comments from the general public forthcoming.

2007-03-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

Rage Against The Stupidity Machine

The world is full of stupid people. That much is obvious. One does not need a sociology degree to understand that. One does not need to work at a computer help desk to understand it either, although that fact is driven home from the minute you take your first call. Just walk down the street in any city, any town, any place where there are people and that point will be driven home. The world is full of stupid people.

So many people don't have a clue yet think they do. Their IQ is the size of a period (which far too often they forget to put at the end of the sentence) yet they think they're ready to be the next Einstein or Milton Friedman or Stephen Hawking. Those aren't annoying, yet they aren't half as bad as the ones that think they're geniuses and march up and down the street proclaiming it.

"I graduated from Harvard". Yeah and you passed all the exams because you had your roommate fill in the correct answers.

"Look I know how to operate a computer". Yeah you know how to turn it on. If you really knew how to operate it you wouldn't be calling for help. Unplug the machine, go to the library and check out a book "Computers For Dummies". If you can actually read that is. If you cannot and you are over 20 years old and have at least a high school diploma, then please do all of us a favor and just stay at home and watch American Idol until your brain falls out and stop making it unsafe for the rest of us. Oh and if you do own a car and a computer, have your friend who can read take them both back to where you bought them. Thanks.

2007-03-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

Finished Draft 1

Finished the first draft of Desk Jockeys. Now I'm at work on the second (and final) draft of it, before we begin the acid test. The test that is of trying to get someone interested enough to finance the production. Either that or start working 24/7 to get the $7,000-11,000 necessary to make the movie on my own.

I also started writing draft 1 of what will become my High School Musical comedy (no relation to that hit Disney Grease rip-off piece of shit).

Zodiac

Saw Zodiac yesterday. I cannot recommend it enough. See it if you wanna see a great movie sure. But see it as an example of filmmaking 101 if you're an aspiring filmmaker (like yours truly). But SEE IT!!!! See it as an antidote to most of the Hollywood crapola out there.

2007-02-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

Some Musings on Politics

Lately, many Americans are beginning to wonder why Bush continues to have some approval, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. The reason why is fairly obvious when we think about it. Bush reminds us of Biff Tannen from the Back to the Future movies.

Bush has trouble counting. So does Biff.

Bush tends to mangle well-known sayings when he says them. So does Biff.

Both Bush and Biff prefer it when other people do their work for them.

Bush is wildly arrogant. So is Biff.

The American voters elected Bush twice because he promised he would keep them safe. Voters would probably vote for Biff for president if he promised to stop the spread of E Coli by bombing Eastern Columbia.

The similarities are outright frightening when you think about it.

2006-10-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

40 Thoughts on Life. Or Why 100% Compatibility has a glitch

In no particular order.

1: Pick your battles wisely. There are some things worth fighting for, some things worth abandoning and some things that you fight for that aren’t worth fighting for and sap ammo and energy from battles worth fighting.

2: Depending on the vantage point from which you are looking back from, you are likely to see a certain period as being either: A: The happiest days of your life or B: A prison sentence from which you are grateful to be paroled.

3: High School is a prime example of #2.

4: In the Beatles Vs Elvis battle, the Beatles will always win. In the Elvis Vs Johnny Cash debate, Cash will always win. End of discussion.

5: It is better to try and fail than to have retreated from the beginning and later looked back and wondered “what could have been”. Asking someone out is a prime example of this. Better to ask and choke down the bitter taste of rejection then be stuck looking back later and wondering what if. I know this from personal experience.

6: If you are 100% Conservative or 100% Liberal and are absolutely convinced that the other side is evil, I seriously question whether or not you would be perfectly at home on the moon where everything or everybody is the same.

7: When it comes to finding someone you love, race does not matter. White man, black woman meet, like each other mutually and have mutual respect for each other. Should be no skin off anyone else’s nose if they start dating. Should be even less skin if they eventually decide to get married.

8: You know those ads on TV for online dating sites like Match.com and eHarmony that promise 100% compatibility? Assuming that those sites even work: is there anyone else out there besides myself and my father and stepmother who finds the idea of 100% compatibility more boring than a rerun of “Leave It to Beaver”.

9: People who work in tech support and customer service (myself included) need to remember that a lot of the times the customers who call in and whine and bitch have legitimate complaints. People who call in to tech support need to remember that the people who are taking their calls, whether they are located in Miami or India, are human beings. They’re not the ones making the bureaucratic mish mash that often results in lousy support. And they can’t always be Dirty Harry and throw the rule book out the window (although a lot of times they wish they could).

10: Eggs and Peanut butter are two foods that were meant to be eaten as part of other things, not eaten standalone.

11: Someone once tried to say that there is no such thing as a stupid question and by extension, no such thing as stupid people. Wrong on both counts.

12: People say I’m crazy. I’m fine with that. If someone says you’re crazy or strange, be fine with it too. You sleep better that way. I know so from experience.

13: College is not a complete and total waste of time as some people claim it is. At the same time, college does not exist to teach you how to be a thinker or better-rounded individual. In essence, it exists to make you a slightly more knowledgeable member of a group. Which brings us to…

14: The American educational system focuses less on teaching you how to think as an individual and instead encourages you to think as part of a group.

15: Most people who go to college do so because they believe it will either prepare them for a career they want to pursue or if that career doesn’t pan out, it will give them something to fall back on. On part one: Nonsense! The only way you actually learn how to do something is to do it and that point is driven home once you actually enter the world of work. On part two: While I can see the practicality in that belief, I also see that 99% of the people that do have fall back plans do just that; fall back. This is not to say that one should or should not go to college. It depends on the individual.

16: Instead of placing the Ten Commandments in schools and courthouses, we should place just one particular quote. “Those who would give up any freedom, no matter how small, for any amount of security, deserve neither freedom nor security”-Benjamin Franklin.

17: Darwin’s theory of Survival Of The Fittest is alive and well. In the corporations of America that is.

18: Darwin’s theory of evolution can be seen in reverse in our political leaders. From George Washington and Abraham Lincoln to John Kerry and George W Bush is a sign that sometimes the humans never fully evolve.

19: Money does not necessarily equal happiness. Nuff said. However, one cannot live without money either. Two totally contradictory statements of truth there.

20: Everyone working in a corporation in America today is a replaceable widget. Except for maybe (just maybe) a few in executive management and even those are replaceable widgets.

21: It is best not to pay attention to the fear mongers on both the extreme left and the extreme right.

22: Richard Pryor is the only person who can say the MF word and make it sound poetic. Other people can make it funny (like he could). But only he could make it poetic.

23: Many of the people in this country that claim to be conservatives are far from it. They claim to be against big government. But have no problem with big religion and big government if big religion is involved in big government. Likewise, many that claim to be liberals are far from it. In fact, that old style of political labeling is long outdated.

24: Anything can be taken too far. It is possible to become addicted to anything, be it drugs, the Internet or the Peanut Butter Cup Perfection at Cold Stone Creamery. However, it is better to be addicted to any of the above than it is to become addicted to so-called “reality TV”.

25: The primary difference between working tech support for an Internet Service Provider and the movie Full Metal Jacket is that you are not getting shot at working tech support. Actually, you would be getting shot at working tech support if people could shoot through phone lines.

26: While your parents may have your best interests always in mind, there comes a time when their best interests are going to conflict with your own. In that case, listen. Yet continue to assert yourself as necessary. In other words, becoming an accountant just because pop thinks it is what you should do is not the way to go. However, when dad says that taking the family car out to drag racing while gulping down a 12 pack of Budweiser is not a good idea, he is right

27: Middle School/Junior High/whatever you choose to call it is one aspect of the adolescent experience that would be illegal to sell if it were a product.

28: Virtue cannot be legislated. Attempts to legislate it have led to holocausts and genocide and blacklisting and so on and so forth.

29: The best political philosophy one can have is one of their own. That is, one that wasn’t totally shaped by any one political party. Me, I subscribe to a philosophy of what I would call Practical Libertarianism. At its core, I want a small, non-intrusive as possible government and low taxes.

30: I do not smoke. Never have, never will. But if someone wants to smoke, let em.

31: The 2nd Amendment, as odious as it may be to many people, is necessary. I support it. Yet I myself currently own not one single gun. I do not see myself ever owning one single gun (let alone enough to necessitate an entire rack) and can see the need for reasonable restrictions on violent convicted criminals as well as on guns that are clearly not reasonably intended for hunting or defensive purposes.

32: If you decide to purchase Internet Service through Comcast, do the following. Sign up, get the cable modem and hook it to the computer. Don’t bother with the self install kit, just call Comcast tech support and ask to have your modem activated.

33: If you are out of work and are desperate for a job and are forced to choose between being a crack dealer or being a telemarketer, be a crack dealer.

34: Corporate executives in American corporations get many of their ideas from The Godfather.

35: Goodfellas is the best organized crime movie of all time.

36: Speaking of movies, the reason why my activity on Epinions has declined a lot over the past 4 months is that I’m in the midst of writing the script for which will (hopefully) be my first movie. More details forthcoming.

37: It is rude to sneak promotional plugs into the middle of life lesson lists.

38: Hats on Epinions don’t matter. Status on Epinions doesn’t matter. What matters is enjoyment. That’s it.

39: If there needs to be a congressional ban on anything, it is cell phones in movie theaters. Unless it’s a theater showing a Rob Schneider movie. There cell phones should be required so we can be distracted from watching Mr. Schneider try to be funny.

40: Keep your friends close. Losing even just one friend is too many lost.

2006-07-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

E-mail forwards are a common thing on the Internet. It's a good bet that at least once a week, you get a forward. Many of the forwards are humorous while some contain inspirational messages.

About 5 years ago, a friend of mine forwarded a humorous piece called The Class Of 2004 to me. It was supposedly a study conducted by colleges on the incoming freshmen to get an idea of their mindset. The study itself seemed kinda phony. But it was interesting and funny. The study itself stated that many of the people starting college around this time were born in the early 1980s and thus don't remember much from that decade. I started thinking about that and then considered how people born in the 1990s might remember that decade. So I decided to write a follow-up. Below is the essay that I forwarded to my friends on that mailing list.

The Class Of 2014

Most of the people who enter college in that year will have been born in 1992 and will thus have no recollection of life in the 1990s.

They will have no idea what the Macarena was, much less how to do the Macarena. So any attempts at doing it will fail miserably, more miserably than any attempts by Al Gore.

They will have missed out on most of the fads that were prevalent between 1990 and 1999. Sure The Macarena faded out after about a year. But the Train came along and took its place (although The Train sputtered out after the creators of the Conga threatened to sue for plagiarism).

To the class of 2014, Grunge will be as old as the British Invasion. Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden will be thought of as "Classic rock" alongside The Beatles, Rolling Stones and Who.

Rap will no longer be at the forefront of pop music. Instead "Raptry" a new style will have taken its place. Raptry is a style that combines Rap and country, much like the Rap-Metal movement of the late 1990s that spawned the likes of Korn and Limp Bizkit. So listen as MC Pickup Truck Drivin' Hick raps over a down home beat about how "Ma babe she left me/She took my truck/She took my dog/I've had such bad luck". Of course many conservatives will be unhappy with Raptry and try to have it outlawed

The kids starting college in 2014 will have never seen Seinfeld. They will have no idea what "Yada Yada Yada", "Don't Have A Cow Man" and "Is That Your Final Answer?" are from. To them "Ren And Stimpy" will be in the same league as "Scooby Doo". Funny but tame compared to the likes of other 90s staples such as "South Park" and "Beavis And Butthead".

The people who grew up in the 1990s remember when Saturday Night Live was actually funny. The kids starting college in 2014 will look at you in disbelief if you reminisce over that time and say, "Saturday Night Live was never funny. It was always lame!" They will point to Adam Sandler as an example of this, having never seen Wayne's World or Austin Powers. If you say Mike Myers to them they will say "Oh that guy from that old old horror movie Halloween!"

Those of us who grew up in the 1990s witnessed the death of the teen horror flick as a viable genre. To the class of 2014, they will be thought of as kitschy masterpieces. Count in that category the Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer movies as well as certain misfires like Urban Legends and The Faculty. Those will replace 80s kitsch horror films like Prom Night and The Nightmare On Elm Street and Friday The 13th movies.

The class of 2014 will have never seen Titanic. They will have no idea who Celine Dion is (That's not necessarily a bad thing) and will have no idea why Titanic is tied with the Bodyguard as "Movie With The Theme Song That We Hope We Never Hear Again". To them Titanic will be thought of as "Oh that movie with the ship and the Iceberg". Whitney Houston and Celine Dion will be probably be, if not completely forgotten, lumped in with the one hit wonders of the 1990s. The Movie Theme Queens will be listed (Inaccurately although they belong with many of the bands on this list in the bad category) alongside the likes of Chumbawamba ("I get knocked down But I get up again), Smash Mouth, 4 Non Blondes, Right Said Fred, Meredith Brooks, Linear, Take That, Blind Melon and a whole host of others that had one big hit between 1990 and 1999 and then faded away.

They will view Clinton's sex scandal as "oh, just one of those things that happens" much like Kennedy's affair with Marilyn Monroe. They will think Monica Lewinsky and Janet Reno are some characters from Survivor 25. If you mention a hanging chad around them they will ask, "what did Chad do?” Elian Gonzalez, Castro and anything else Cuban to them will be irrelevant. In fact the only Cuban thing even remotely relevant to them will be the cigar.

The Compact Disc will be in the same league then as the cassette is now. The cassette tape itself will be a niche item, collectable. A cassette of "John Denver's Greatest Hits" will fetch $5000 on e-Bay. MP3's will be the main way of hearing music since everyone will have a computer. There will be computers that fit in the pocket. Everyone will be hooked up to the Internet in one way or another and that will be quite a feat considering that the year they were born AOL was a closed in proprietary BBS that specialized in teen chat.

Nobody will remember what Vinyl was. Mentioning 8 Tracks will get you a blank stare.

The likes of Reagan, Clinton and the original Bush will be to them what Eisenhower, Nixon and
Kennedy are to the teens of today. The likes of Washington and Jefferson will be thought of as "the neighbors of George and Weezie".

This is starting to make me feel very old. But come 2024 I'll probably be writing "The Class of 2044" and feeling ready for the retirement home.

2006-05-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

An attempt at writing my own version of Allen Ginsberg's "Howl"

Talking Tech Support Blues

The best minds of my generation are not to be found in colleges or public policy institutes
But working the phones in offices or behind the counters of retail stores.
Answering the questions of the dunderheads who buy into the hype of new technology yet don’t bother to learn how to properly use it.

Customer calls in and demands access now
We work to provide it yet then he must bitch and whine
That it’s “slower than dial-up
Lemme speak to a supervisor”

I’ve seen many a good computer destroyed by a brainless geezer who knows not the difference between modem and monitor
To paraphrase Allen Ginsberg “Dunderheaded geezers yelling for their high speed access to the majestic Internet of Paris Hilton nude files in the machinery of tech support”.

Speaking of my generation I must say I am not a fan of Gen Y
Gen Y is less Gen Y and more Gen Zilch
There are people I love who are part of Gen Y
Yet on the whole Gen Y is shaping up to be remembered as the opposite of the Gen that survived the Depression and won World War II.

For one of the people I do love
Who works with me and calls me a trip
Glad to be with you every day
You make coming to this place especially worth it

Michael Moore is wrong that it’s stupid “White Men” screwing up America
No Michael, it’s stupid picky men in suits screwing everything up.

A dress code to answer phones
That’s the rules in Corporate Russia today
Corporate Russia as run by the Stupid Picky Men In Suits
The same ones screwing up America
America as separate from Corporate Russia

To the one I love I mentioned above
I wanted to ask you to dance with me at the wedding
But you left too soon

There are people with no life
Sitting around, eating spam, listening to Blink 182 and downloading pics of Paris Hilton
Those pics are the only reason for why they have Internet access and they are also the reason why they get mad when the connection gets turned off because they did not pay the bill.

I do believe if I had my way
Mark David Chapman would not be on this planet today
Yes I will let it be told
I would have pulled the switch on that asshole

We all know the world is full of stupid people
But we must never underestimate the value of stupid people
Without them there’d be no smart people only average ones
The world would be a verifiable Lake Wobegone

To the one I love
Let’s get together when we get a chance
And go out for a drink and dance.

2006-05-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

Bill O'Reilly On Rap: Lacking ANY Sense Of Musical History.

Bill O'Reilly of Fox News has become notorious for not liking rap music. Nothing wrong with that. Me, I actually like quite a bit of rap. But hey, musical taste is subjective. I don't particularly care for opera, although I do appreciate the amount of talent it requires to perform it.

The big thing with O'Reilly is that he only looks at it one way. He goes after rap for being violent and misogynistic. Granted, a lot of it is. Then again, so is a lot of country music. So is a lot of music period.

For fun I imagined the following conversation:

(Scene: The O'Reilly Factor)

Jeff: Thank you Mr. O'Reilly. Now Mr. O'Reilly I can safely assume you do not like rap music. You complain about it being too violent and misogynistic. Yes, some of it is. I agree. But not all of it. Mr. O'Reilly, do you like Johnny Cash? Me too. I love Johnny Cash. But do you realize Mr. O'Reilly, that Johnny Cash wrote and sang some of the most violent lyrics ever recorded? "I shot a man in Reno/Just to watch him die". "Early one morning while making the rounds/I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down". Pretty violent eh Mr. O'Reilly? Pretty misogynistic too? In fact you can say that about a LOT of classic country music before it became pop for rednecks. No, don't tell me to shut up Mr. O'Reilly. Do you have an answer for any of this? I thought not.

2006-04-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

I Guess Things Happen That Way

One doesn't go to their place of work intending to fall in love with a co-worker. It just happens that way. I didn't plan it. But I guess things happen that way.

(Yeah I know I've been listening to too much Johnny Cash lately.)

Dunderheaded Customers

Dunderheaded customers yelling for high-speed access to the Internet in the machinery of your workplace-Jeff, paraphrasing Allen Ginsberg.

2006-03-24T14:46:00.000-08:00

Reflections On Stupid People

The world is full of stupid people. That's obvious to anyone. But it becomes especially obvious when you work in tech support.

However, we should not underestimate the value of stupid people. Without stupid people, there would be no smart people, only average ones. The whole world would be a verifiable Lake Wobegone.

The Customer Is Hardly Ever Right

"Hello! Blah blah blah!! No I want it know!!! Blah blah blah! I wanna speak to a supervisor!!"

Routers

Fee fee fi fi fo fo fouters, boy oh boy do I fucking HATE routers!!

Stupid People Redux

Most of the people who call in to tech support have at least a modicum of intelligence. However, there are some that you just want to tell:

"Listen. Take your ass down to the local community college and sign up for some computer classes. Okay?"

Even with all the frustration...

Those that have jobs should be grateful for their employment.

2005-01-23T10:39:00.000-08:00

Reflection on my current job

This is a port manteau entry, two columns on my current job as a tech support rep.

In the past month as I’ve taken on my latest job (as a tech support/customer service rep for a local company specializing in electronic gift cards), I’ve found myself encountering some of the more inane as well as some of the funnier aspects of American consumer society.

One particular call I took recently was from a woman who had a question about her Simon Gift Card. Only the information she was giving me was completely incorrect. I pointed this out to her and she got mad. “You’re all a bunch of screwballs” she snapped at me before hanging up. Had she not hung up so quick I would have responded “Lady I know that. Take it from me; life around this office is like an episode of MASH (without the gore) or a SNL skit at times”. (On a side note, I have written the script for a sitcom based on my office experiences).

Another caller informed a co-worker of mine that she “must have dropped out of school in the third grade” because her explanation on how to use his card wasn’t clear enough to get through his incredibly thick skull.

In actuality, calls laced with insults of that type are to be expected in an office like this. My own take on them is bring em on. In the now immortal words of Pat Benatar: hit me with your best shot. However, it isn’t the callers who fill their calls with profanity and insults that should trouble us. It’s ones like the following who are prime candidates for the Darwin Awards.

*A caller asks a co-worker what time the Fat Albert movie is playing. This because we service movie related cards. The best possible response to this question would be something like “Hey dickhead. Call the local movie theater or check the movie times section of your local newspaper. Otherwise unless you actually have a question about your Utix card bug off.”

*A caller asks me for a listing of open stores on Christmas Day so she can load her new Diamond Financial MasterCard. I reply that I do not have such a list and gently suggest that she should go to the store in her local area tomorrow when it’s open and load the card then. The caller gets irate and demands to speak to a supervisor. Preferred response: “Lady. Wait and load the damn card tomorrow fa a la la la la la la la”.

*A caller wants her card replaced because she cut it in half.

*But by far the stupidest question ever asked in the call center is one asked of a co-worker. “On the expiration date listed on my card, does the card expire?” Preferred answer: “No maam. That’s the date you start using your card”

Which is not to imply that all the people who call in asking for help with their cards are idiots. Many of them are the victims of silly mistakes made by a merchant (IE: Ringing up a transaction the wrong way). Often they fail to read the terms and conditions included with the cards. Then there are those who are victims of what certain people would define as acts of god.

So to make life easier for both cardholders and CSRs, I offer up the following list of suggestions.

1: Read, Read, READ the damn terms and conditions before you use the card. When you get a gift card, you should get a sheet full of various terms and conditions. Don’t just toss the sheet away like a discarded ticket stub to the latest Rob Schneider flick. Read it. Use a magnifying glass if you have to.

2: Do not ask incredibly stupid questions. The expiration date is printed on the card for a reason. There are not going to be ANY stores open on Christmas Day. We’re a gift card service company, not a movie theater.

3: Make sure you know what card you are calling about. This is the type of call we often get. A caller asks about a problem card, only it’s not the problem card. The same thing happened with the one I mentioned earlier who cut a card in half, thinking that it was an expired one, when in actuality it was a good one and she’d already thrown the expired one away.

4: Know how to actually USE the card before you go to use it. Simon cards are meant to be swiped as credit, not debit cards. If you’re trying to purchase something that costs more than what is on the card, FIRST pay off the difference, then use the card to pay the intended amount.

Take the following Simon Quiz before you go to use a Simon Card. I created this quiz on a slow, low call volume morning. The answers should be fairly obvious.

Simon Quiz

1: If a person has eight baseball cards and gives 12 to a friend, how many do they have left?
A: None. This is a trick question designed to deliberately throw the quiz taker off
B: 12
C: What was the question again?

2: You can buy Simon Cards either at:
A: The mall or via the Simon website
B: From the guy on the street corner with scraggly hair selling that green grass
C: From a gypsy caravan on the edge of town.

3: Your PIN number for your Simon card can be obtained by
A: There is no PIN number for a Simon Card. It only asks for a PIN number because you are swiping it as a debit instead of a credit card
B: By calling the psychic hotline
C: By beating on the machine that demanded the PIN number and screaming “Give me my PIN number or die”.

4: You bought $12 dollars worth of gas at a gas station and paid at the pump. Yet there is a $50 charge for gas on your card. Why is this so?
A: Because as clearly stated in the terms and conditions, there is a $50 pre-authorization when you pay at the pump and you should pay for your gas purchase inside the store before buying the gas.
B: Because some evil person at Simon saw you make a gas purchase and decided to increase the payment by $38 just to be mean.
C: Because you bought gas from a disreputable gas station.

5: To get those $50 refunded you should.
A: Contact the merchant and have them contact c/h services to get the transaction reversed
B: Inform the gas station where you bought the gas that the money better be back on the card in 2 hours or its Kaczynski time
C: Call up C/H services and think of new forms of profanity to use on the people who are trying to help you.

6: Simon Cards can be used
A: Anywhere Visa is accepted
B: Only at places that honor the spirit of Elvis
C: Only at places that voted for George W Bush in the last election

7: When Simon cards are used up, they can be reloaded by
A: They can’t be reloaded. You just have to buy a new card
B: By bribing people with free Plasma TVs and tickets to the newest Rob Schneider movie
C: By calling c/h services and informing them that card better be reloaded now or it will be Manson time

2004-11-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

Open Letter To President Bush

Mr. President:

I personally did not vote for you either this year or in 2000. I personally do not agree with 95% of your administrations policies. However, I sincerely hope that your views on basic Constitutional law are sincere and not clouded by the fog currently being emitted by many of the religious groups that recently helped re-elect you.

I would like to know, if possible, your opinion on the recent actions of the Federal Communications Commission. By recent actions, I mean the ones that resulted in numerous ABC affiliates decision not to air the movie “Saving Private Ryan” on Veteran’s Day. This comes as part of a recent crackdown by the agency on what the people running it view as indecent content.

While there has not yet been much of an actual crackdown, there are strong hints that there will be one in the future. This in response to some mild swearing by Bono of the rock band U2 on a music awards telecast a few years ago. Then of course we come to the famous Super Bowl halftime show from earlier this year in which millions of people saw a breast. Specifically the breast of Ms. Janet Jackson

Mr. President, through the entire outcry that ensued following that incident, I did not hear as much as a peep from you. I assume that was because you rightly saw the whole brouhaha as much ado about not much. However, some of your biggest supporters took the whole thing to ridiculous extremes.

In fact, it has gotten to the point now where many of them are calling for more laws, more government regulation. Their reason for calling for this regulation is supposedly to stamp out what they view as indecency.

Mr. President, you came to office on a platform of “compassionate conservatism”, as you put it. That platform suggests a less intrusive government that doesn’t butt its nose around in areas where it doesn’t belong.

Those areas including what we choose to watch on television, what we choose to listen to on the radio, what we choose to read, what we choose to see when we go to the movies. That should be our choice. As part of a capitalistic society, TV stations should be allowed to show what they want. We always have the choice of changing the channel, putting in a DVD or turning the TV set completely off and reading a book.

Censorship of any kind goes totally against the ideal of living in a free society. This is a case of potential censorship for one very simple reason: the stations that chose not to air Saving Private Ryan did so on account of fear. Not fear of protest from offended viewers. But fear of governmental action. Governmental action that is against the law of the land. By law of the land I mean the US Constitution.

Now consider the movie they were afraid of showing. This was not hardcore pornography. It was not some cheaply made “Chucky” film. This was Saving Private Ryan, a truly violent movie. But one about a very pertinent subject. Also an extremely patriotic movie. Patriotic enough that Sen. John McCain, a member of your own party, endorsed the airing of it.

Mr. President. If you are not really going to make government less intrusive, could you at least do something about making it less dogmatic? The proposed actions of the FCC come very close to being something less out of America and more out of a third rate banana republic.

I do not expect a personal response to this letter. However, any public comment on the issues raised would be appreciated.

Sincerely
Jeff Wilder

2004-11-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

Why not to vote for either Bush or Kerry

Tomorrow being Election Day, it is close to time to answer that all-important question: Which chimp should we send to the big house for the next four years?

You can get some mighty persuasive arguments for why you should vote for this side over the other, albeit arguments that often leave out what is so good about their particular side. Then you get arguments about why this side is great and the other side would be a disaster for America.

In the corner for Bush, we have several arguments. One common argument is taxes. Many Bush supporters argue that Bush has at least cut the taxes and that all Kerry will do is raise them. Kerry in turn fires back that he will only raise the taxes on the rich and decrease them on the middle and lower classes.

Both sides’ claims are accurate. Now let’s contrast the Bush/Kerry tax plans with some others. Let’s consider a presidential tax plan that cuts both taxes and government spending. Bush did cut taxes some. But he didn’t cut spending as much as he should have and there is no evidence that Kerry will either

Another major issue (in fact THE major issue) is terrorism and homeland security. We have Bush who did well in the early days of the war on terror in going after Al Qaeda at its Afghan base. But it wasn’t long before Bush went off on a personal vendetta that led us into as Omar Bradley put it, “the wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong enemy”.

Kerry hems and haws and talks a good game. But does he really have a plan? How about a plan that involved gradually moving on from Iraq and focusing on the major terrorists?

The war on drugs? Pretty hard to distinguish one candidate from the other in spite of their rhetoric on it. How about a drug policy that involves decriminalizing drugs (NOT ACCEPTING THEM) and treating them as a health problem instead of a criminal matter. How about maybe looking at the legitimate uses of Medical marijuana?

Welfare? Well this depends on which candidate you are referring to. Both are in favor of it. Bush and the Republicans support corporate welfare while Kerry is in favor of the current welfare system in spite of evidence that it actually exacerbates the poverty problem rather than improving it. How about replacing the welfare system with a jobs based system? How about eliminating corporate welfare?

Gay rights and gay marriage? Neither party truly gets it here. Who gets married is not the government’s business. It is the individuals business. As for the religious argument, how about electing a president who truly gets it that church and state are meant to be kept separate?

In actuality, I already voted. Voted two weeks ago under Florida’s early voting system. In the presidential race I cast my vote not for Bush or Kerry. But for Libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik.

Why? Because he is the candidate whose views are closest to mine on how our government should work. Is he perfect? No. But he’s far more on target 90% of the time than Bush and Kerry are who are more likely to spout party rhetoric.

On taxes, Badnarik understands that low spending complements low taxes and that cutting taxes for all is how we need to do it. Not just cutting taxes for your base. You hear that Mr. Bush?

On the war on terror, Badnarik understands that the best way to fight it is to go right after the terrorists, not use the military as a means of removing bad leaders in countries that have them and replace them with Democratic leaders. While it is a good thing that Saddam and the Taliban are out of power, what do we do now with Iraq? How many more Americans will continue to die over there?

On welfare, Badnarik will work to replace welfare for the unemployed with work for the unemployed. And corporate welfare will fall under the axe.

On the War On Drugs, Badnarik realizes that this war is a failure. A failure that goes against living in a free society. A failure that the government is going broke trying to pay for. He will end it and treat it the way it’s meant to be treated.

On Gay rights and gay marriages Badnarik understands (unlike either Bush or Kerry) that the government has no business butting around in personal matters such as these. If two people of the same sex want to get married, let them. Live and let live. That’s part of living in a free society, even if the religious right wing puritan theocrats don’t get that (and probably never will get it either).

So voters face a choice: Elect one of two candidates who have some differences, yet are close as peanut butter and jelly for the most part or elect a real alternative. Here’s hoping they choose the real alternative.

2004-10-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

Still on the Job Search Trail

Been over amonth since I got out of school and still no luck in finding work. Keep trying, even though it is getting frustrating.

Now I see Bush on TV, talking about how many jobs are availabel. Oh really?

2004-06-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

Now I don't want to get off on a rant here.

Now I don't want to get off on a rant here as Dennis Miller would say. But I find myself currently annoyed with my local area Landlubbers.

Yesterday, I went in there for dinner. I found myself in the mood for catfish. I'd had catfish there before so I was surprised to not find it on the menu. So I asked the waiter (who gave me excellent service) if they had it. He said they didn't. My mouth had been watering for catfish and they didn't have it anymore! I was annoyed. But I didn't let the waiter see it (what would have been the point of taking it out on him?). Instead, I ordered fried clams.

The clams were good. Yet I find myself wondering: Why did they stop serving Catfish? What really annoys me is the fact that they no longer have catfish and it looks like it was kicked off the menu to make room for a huge number of chicken wing combos nobody needed until now! I've got nothing against chicken wings personally. But Landlubbers is supposed to be a seafood restaurant. Another local area based seafood chain serves catfish. Why can't Landlubbers?

End of rant.

2004-06-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Wither This Blog

Having set up this blog about three months ago and then adding to it only sporadically, I find myself writing here to let everyone know I'm okay.

2004-04-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

Jeff Takes On Comic Strips

Today, that classic publication of satire known as The Onion offered up its Take On Comic Strips. Their take was just what you would expect from the Onion. Only it was too short. So I decided to do my own take on popular comic strips. I'm basing mine on the Sunday comic strips page in the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel. The comic strips featured here are the same from Sunday to Sunday and include many of the usual suspects. So let's dive in. Starting with the first strip on the first page we have...

Garfield

There was a time when I found Garfield to be the funniest strip on the comic page. Nowadays I find it to be very hit and miss, with miss being the rule more than the exception. The strip always features Garfield either: A: on a diet, B: tormenting Odie or C: tormenting Jon. Today's strip has Garfield on a diet and having food hallucinations of a moving hamburger that came late because it was stuck in traffic. A show of hands, how many of you truly found that funny? I thought so. Occasionally old Garf will produce a chuckle. Only occasionally however.

Classic Peanuts

Here's proof that reruns exist outside of television. With the loss of the late Charles Schulz, we now find ourselves treated to recycled classic strips of the perennial favorite. Enjoyable? Yes. However, if they're going to rerun any comic strip, it should be The Far Side.

For Better Or For Worse

As I make my way through these strips, I realize that most of them are likely to wind up falling either into the hit-and-miss category (Ala Garfield), the kill it as soon as possible category (numerous ones we shall get to shortly) and the great category (Doonesbury). FBOFW falls into the hit and miss category. At the very least, you can say that it's always entertaining if not always funny.

Baby Blues

Occasionally funny enough to produce a minor laugh. Usually comes off too close to a sequel to Look Who's Talking to be truly funny.

Born Loser

One comic strip that always revolves around someone who is a (obviously) loser. May have enough mirth to provoke an occasional snort. But for the most part, it's a loser baby. So why don't they kill it?

Blondie

Hit and miss ala Garfield. It's very similar to the Brady Bunch in that it primarily relies on humor that wasn't particularly funny even back in the Stone Age. A prime example of this is today's strip. Dagwood tries to get Daisy the dog into the car so he can take her to the vet for her annual shots. Upon arriving at the Vet's office, he is informed that Blondie already brought Daisy there. The strip ends with Dagwood driving her home, saying, "Well no wonder you put up such a good fight".

Tiger

Often incoherent and hardly ever funny. Today's strip is a prime example. It features the title character looking for water. Where it goes I will not say, because it is way too incoherent. Kill it.

Shoe

Shoe was actually funny back when Jeff Macnelly was still alive. And its current incarnation still offers up humor. One of those comic strips that warranted saving when its creator died (unlike Dennis The Menace).

Mother Goose And Grimm

One of the few comic strips that manages to be almost consistently funny.

Marmaduke

Another one that's been around for ages. Another one that hasn't been anywhere near funny since goodness knows when. Each strip usually features some sort of slapstick; fall down go boom type gag that will doubtlessly end in something getting destroyed. In other words, humor that is so far from funny that you need a passport to get there.

Today's strip has Marmaduke's owner telling him to go do his taxes. Marmaduke instead opts to flop on the couch and the owner laments that it was worth a try. Time to put the damn thing out of its misery already.

Doonesbury

Easily the best thing on the comics page today. Garry Trudeau offers up brilliant political satire in an inventive way by mixing it up with his cast of recurring characters. And the satire is always funny and often hilarious. Thus Doonesbury falls into the great category.

The Family Circus

On the other end, we have this lame and very un-funny piece of drivel. Kill it.

Foxtrot

This one is actually funny, in a sort of sub Far Side way. Doesn't always hit the mark. But offers enough to keep an eye on it for the moment when a good laugh may strike.

Dilbert

The Doonesbury of office life. Not as hilarious as its political counterpart, it's still quite funny.

The Lockhorns

Hit and miss. Revolves around the same topic each week (husband and wife fighting). Not great. But not quite in the kill it category.

(Skipping over Prince Valiant since I very rarely read that one)

Curtis

I personally suspect that the only reason this one even remains in the Sun Sentinel is due to the fact that they feel they must include at least one Black comic strip, otherwise Jesse Jackson will be all over their ass for discrimination. The problem is, Curtis today is only sporadically funny. And even when it is funny, the humor is cheap and cliched. Today’s strip for instance revolves around the issue of confusing a wedding with a funeral.

A note to the editors of the Sun Sentinel: If you want a Black comic strip in your newspaper, there are far better ones out there. How about killing Curtis and replacing it with the Boondocks or if that one goes into Al Sharpton mode too much, Jump Start? Now there's' two actually FUNNY Black comic strip.

Sally Forth

Hit and miss

Rose Is Red

Hit and miss

Non Sequitor

Easily the funniest strip in the paper (aside from Doonesbury) and the closest we're going to get to anything as zanily hilarious as The Far Side. Today's strip deals with the death of irony in a very ironic way.

Hi And Lois

Another hit and miss one that's usually miss. Your tolerance for this one depends on your tolerance for obvious puns (a reference to the "Pata-A-Razzi" for instance).

Zits

Funny off and on. Good. But room for improvement

Cathy

Another one that's been around forever. And another one that milks the same joke over and over again for all its worth. Not quite in the kill it category. But will be there in about a year’s time or so.

Hagar The Horrible

AKA the favorite comic strip of people who thought Sammy ruined Van Halen. This one is basically a sitcomic about life in the Middle Ages. Hit and miss as usual. But when Hagar gets good, it’s good enough to warrant a read. So file this one as better than average but not great.

Beetle Bailey

See my comments on Hagar.

2004-04-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

The Way Back Home. From Democrat To Libertarian

Growing up in a two-party political household, one gets to hear both sides of the story more often than not. This helps when one goes to develop one's own political opinions.

Mainly under the influence of my late mother, a Democrat, I affiliated with the Democratic Party when registering to vote in 1996. I also admit to voting for Bill Clinton that same year. I say this with no guilt or shame. That was how I felt at the time and I stand by that vote.

At the time, I thought Democrat=Liberal and Liberal meant maximum freedom without government intrusion. In a sense, it still does, as the Liberal philosophy I currently believe in is the classical Liberal one. At that time, I saw the Republican Party as being the party of Mandatory Religious Morality and in some regards it is.

I also admit to pulling the Democratic lever in the 2000 election (albeit I did so while holding my nose). However, I was not very impressed with either Bush or Gore and during the whole brouhaha that ensued afterward, Gore did the unthinkable in trying to get legitimate Military ballots thrown out. While I did not like seeing Bush win, I did not feel sorry at all for Gore’s loss.

At the same time, I also began to question how liberal the Democratic Party was. More often than not, they seemed to be evolving away from the classical liberalism that had brought me there in the first place and more towards a style of Republicanism lite in certain areas. This led me to terminate my affiliation with said party and re-register as NPA (No Party Affiliation, which in Florida means Independent).

Over time, my political philosophy has evolved. In my teens and early young adult life, I agreed with a lot of my mom’s Democratic viewpoints. Yet when I reached the age of 22 or there about, my dad’s Conservative viewpoints started to make more sense.

At this point, I’d safely describe my political philosophy as “Socially Liberal/Fiscally Conservative”. I favor a very small, non-intrusive government and low taxes. I also oppose attempts to force religion into areas where people do not want it, believe in letting women have the right to choose, oppose Morality Laws, Feel the drug war should be ended and oppose Government mandated Puritanism of any sort.

I also have no problem with Gay marriage and allowing gays to serve in the Military. (For the record, there hasn’t always been a Gay ban in the military. Ronald Reagan signed the actual ban in 1982.)

In his half memoir, half political commentary The Real Frank Zappa Book, the legendary musician defines his political beliefs as “Practical Conservatism”. In the chapter on those aforementioned political beliefs, he observes that unfortunately: “We have opted for an authoritarian system disguised as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke of a government, let it push us around and then wonder how all those assholes got in there”.

Personally I support the War On Terror, Had I been around at the time of World War II, I would have supported American entry into it. I also supported the War in Afghanistan and the first Gulf War and opposed the ones in Panama (1989) and Kosovo (1999).

However, the current war in Iraq has moved into the direction of Vietnam II. Our forces were sent in under the pretense of stopping Saddam from developing and using weapons of mass destruction, yet none have been found. While it is a good thing that Saddam has been captured and no rational person would argue that Iraq would have been better off if Hussein had stayed, the whole matter serves as a dangerous reminder to those who may have forgotten that giving the Government a blank check in anything is never a good idea.

So on April 8 2004, I filed to change my voter registration to the Libertarian Party. Why? Because after much thought, I came to the conclusion that of all the political parties out there, it’s the one that comes closest to matching my views on how Government in America should work.

If anyone still calls me a classical liberal, I won’t argue with you. But as HL Mencken once put it: “The ideal government of reflective men, from Aristotle onward, is one which lets the individual alone.” It is my hope that I can help to move America more in that direction.

So let’s all pull together and fight the good fight.

2004-02-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

The election primaries aren't even through, yet the mud-slinging between the Democrats and Republicans is already starting to take off.

Exhibit A: The Dean incident. After Dean's famous gaffe during the Iowa caucus the media jumped all over him. From unknown to rising star to loser.

Exhibit B: The war records debate. It's a well-known fact that John Kerry actually did serve in Vietnam, only to protest the war upon returning. The classic Baby Boomer take on Vietnam as Joe Queenan put it.

And of course, there is the matter of how Fortunate Son GW Bush managed to avoid actual service in Vietnam and the matter of his national guard records. To me, the matter isn't relevant at this point. However, I do wonder about many Republicans who cry about this being unfair, yet had no problem pummeling Clinton over his draft dodging.

Memo to both parties: Make up your minds about Vietnam.

(On a side note, I read a Charles Krauthammer piece in this weeks issue of Time that addressed the Presidential War Experience issue. I enjoyed the piece overall, yet I did notice a minor factual error in it. Krauthammer wrote that it was JFK who got us into the Vietnam conflict in the first place and he made note of the fact that Kennedy had war experience and was a Democrat. Actually Charles, it was Eisenhower (a Republican by the way) who pointed the way toward American involvement in Vietnam when he first started sending military advisors (Truman sent some too) there. Kennedy continued that build-up for a while until he realized that it was futile to get involved in a land war there and started to pull out before his death. LBJ was the one who actually got us into the shooting war with his Gulf Of Tonkin resolution.)

One noticeable side effect that will doubtlessly increase as the election heats up is the amount of political junk mail I have received. Over the past few days I have received several e-mails from the John Edwards Campaign as well as a few from some "Committee To Ensure The Re-Election Of Bush". I suspect that the latter added me on thanks to a piece I wrote some time back in which I decried the paucity of actual mainstream candidates. No can do as far as Bush voting goes, yet the Democrats are pitiful.

At the rate things are going now, it looks like my vote will go to Libertarian candidate Aaron Russo.

2004-02-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

In an interstellar burst, I'm back to save the universe.

Didn't do much of anything today. Just relaxed mainly. Gotta get out of this house more than I have over the past couple days or so.

Looking back on my decision to not complete college (at least regular college) and my disastrous flame-out with college level math, I find myself realizing what I had long suspected. I'm not a team player. I do not take kindly to being arbitrarily given orders by people and I have no appreciation at all for busywork. When I was in college, I was studying in journalism and the visual arts, namely radio/TV. So why was college level math mandatory for my major? Why is it mandatory for ANY major that doesn't specifically require it?

While browsing at Borders the other day, I happened across a paperback biography of the late comedian Bill Hicks. Up until a few years ago, all I knew of Hicks was that he was a major influence on Tool, one of my favorite bands. Until I listened to a few of his albums and realized that he's very close to being the HL Mencken of stand-up comedy. So I started flipping through his biography (along with one of Lenny Bruce) and found him to be an outsider of sorts from the beginning and that he felt the same way about certain things (College, Social Conservatism) that I do.

That's all for today.

2004-02-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

Upcoming Hollywood Movies

Having focused on the good in Hollywood last time in this space, I decided this time to focus on some of the annoyances.

1: When I went to see Monster two weeks ago, I saw previews for utterly pointless remakes of The Manchurian Candidate and Stepford Wives as well as an unnecessary sequel to Dirty Dancing. I wonder: Why is it necessary to make a sequel to a film that is now 17 years old and had no great need for a sequel anyway. A sequel made sense in 1988. It doesn't make any sense now. The idea that it may be a means of revitalizing Patrick Swayze's career is suspect, seeing as the Texan is only in the movie for a few minutes.

2: Today I saw a preview on TV for an upcoming Starsky And Hutch movie. If that isn't a sign that Hollywood has run out of ideas, nothing is.

Starsky and Hutch this year. SWAT last year. In 2002, we had Scooby-Doo and I Spy and in 2001 it was Josie And The Pussycats. The year before that I forgot. But there were Hollywood remakes of old TV shows. Now Hollywood is remaking shows that haven't even been in syndication in years! Last year we had SWAT. I have had cable for most of my life and I do not recall ever coming across a rerun of SWAT. Last time I saw Starsky and Hutch on TV was in 1995.

Hollywood needs to get its act together and soon or else we might be suffering through big-screen remakes of Three's Company and Roseanne and (GAG) Charles In Charge.

So my plea to Hollywood: STOP WITH THE DAMN TV REMAKES ALREADY!!!!

2004-02-08T21:25:00.000-08:00

Having now seen Lost In Translation, I decided it was time write the official

Jeff Wilder's List Of The Best Movies Of 2003

1: Mystic River. Clint Eastwood's directorial expertise. Fine acting by Sean Penn, Tim Robbins and Kevin Bacon. An engrossing story. How could it miss? This treatise on urban violence in America and how what we do in life echoes in eternity needs to win some Oscars.

2: Lost In Translation. Doing for loneliness and uncertainty what the previous film did for violence, the Sofia Coppola helmed film resurrects Bill Murray's career and makes a star out of the lovely Scarlett Johansson.

3: Monster. This brilliant, evocative and disturbing portrait of serial killer Aileen Wuornos offers an Oscar worthy performance from Charlize Theron, who portrays Wuornos as neither a misunderstood innocent nor a Hannibal Lechter like comic book caricature. Perfect, aside from the wrong choice of song to close the movie. "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve would have been better.

4: Looney Tunes: Back In Action. I don't know many other critics who are putting this one in their top ten list. But it's a very good live action/animated comedy. You still can't go wrong with Looney Tunes, even when Bugs and Daffy come close to getting upstaged by Brendan Fraser and Jenna Elfman as the human co-stars.

5: Kill Bill Vol 1. This one proved that Tarantino still has it. The only drawback is that the novelty of releasing two parts of a film separately may inspire other filmmakers to do the same.

6: Finding Nemo. You can't go wrong with Pixar. Right up there with Shrek and Monsters Inc sits this one.

7: Bad Santa. Easily the funniest movie of the year.

8: Holes. In a year of treacly family fare, it was good to see a film that offered something for all. Based on Louis Sachar's novel, Holes is that film.

Honorable mentions go to The Italian Job and Terminator 3. The former is a great heist flick, while the latter was a high note for Arnold Schwarzenegger to exit the movie arena on.

(Note 1: You can read my reviews of most of these films at Epinions.com)

(Note 2: I have not yet seen LOTR Return Of The King, which explains its absence from this list.)

I wound up not making a worst of list, because I managed to pull off staying away from most of the really bad movies out there like Gigli and From Justin To Kelly. At one time I might have seen them just to shred them in a review. But money is too short to waste it.

2004-02-07T12:18:00.000-08:00

Social Conservative Authoritarians

If this whole Jackson/Timberlake business proves nothing else, it's that social conservatives are the biggest hypocrites on the planet.

Yes, I mean social not fiscal conservatives. Social conservatives claim that they don't want the government meddling in the people's business until something such as last Sunday's Super Bowl Half-Time show occurs. Now I've seen some social conservative commentators castigating Howard Dean for not making pop culture issues like this an integral part of the year's election.

In other words: We feel it must be up to OUR standards and if it's not the government should be involved.

It is reasons like this that keep me fro voting for either party. I myself am socially liberal, yet fiscally conservative on many issues. Since my voter registration reads No Party Affiliation, which in Florida means Independent, I always thought of myself as a liberal with strong Libertarian leanings or more accurately, a classical liberal. As liberals used to be before certain idiots started giving them a bad name. As far as actual political affiliation goes, my political philosophy is probably closest to that of the Libertarian Party, although I am not officially a member right now.

2004-02-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

Well today was a fairly busy day for me. First off, I completed my work evaluations. Based on that I shall soon be going to get computer certification for a job as a Court Clerk. That should work well as a job to pay the bills and also as an entry level job into journalism, radio etc.

Went out with some friends for a birthday dinner. These friends, who got married last October, joined me at Joe's Crab Shack. First time I'd eaten there and the atmosphere is like that of a bar albeit not so violent.

One thing I noticed was the ahem subversive nature of much of the items sold in the restaurants store. For instance, there was a T-shirt that had "Peace Love And Crabs" written on the back. Considering that many members of the Peace And Love generation later got Crabs, that short is appropriate in a rather sick way.

Let's just hope the social conservatives screaming for Janet Jackson's head on account of the Super Bowl halftime show don't ever venture into a Joe's Crab Shack.

What is really disturbing is the fact that everyone is getting so worked up over the whole boob flash (We got trouble. Real trouble. Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for boobs), yet there is an incident down here in Florida that should provoke REAL outrage. What am I speaking about you ask? Here's the full story from Yahoo news:

SARASOTA, Fla. - A tattooed mechanic with a long rap sheet was charged with murder Friday after authorities found the body of an 11-year-old girl whose kidnapping was captured on a carwash surveillance camera.

Police said Joseph P. Smith told a witness that he had kidnapped and killed Carlie Brucia, and authorities used that information to find the sixth-grader's body in a church parking lot a few miles from the carwash.

Investigators refused to say how the girl was killed or whether she had been raped. The arrest report said only that she died "as a result of homicidal violence."

"He will pay the ultimate price for what he did to her," sheriff's Capt. Jeff Bell said. Investigators would not give details on the witness who helped them.

Smith, 37, is believed to be the man seen on the surveillance video in a mechanic's shirt with a name patch, leading Carlie away by the arm Sunday as she walked home from a slumber party. Investigators said the man on the tape had tattoos on both forearms; Smith has many tattoos on his arms.

The police report said "numerous phone calls were received identifying the defendant as the subject depicted in the video."

The kidnapping set off a frantic search for the former Girl Scout, and the tape was beamed across the nation as Carlie's family and authorities pleaded for her safe return.

Investigators were led to Smith after a tipster identified him as the man in the video. Authorities said he had a Buick station wagon that was seen in the surveillance footage shortly before the kidnapping.

Investigators had called on NASA (news - web sites) to sharpen and enlarge images of the abduction, but they said the quality wasn't much better than what they already had.

Smith was charged with first-degree murder and kidnapping, and could face the death penalty if convicted. His public defender, Adam Tebrugge, did not immediately return calls for comment.

Carlie's body was found beneath thick underbrush near the Central Church of Christ. While investigators in white coveralls searched the area for evidence, Carlie's friends and family gathered outside the church. Her stepfather, Steven Kansler, and some friends knelt in a prayer circle.

"She's in a better place. She got there in a horrific manner, but now she's watching me all the time," said her father, Joe Brucia.

Smith has been arrested at least 13 times in Florida since 1993.

He served 17 months in prison in 2001 and 2002 for heroin possession and prescription drug fraud. Eight days after he got out, he was arrested for cocaine possession and placed on probation for three years. He also got probation for aggravated battery in 1993 and heroin charges in 1999.

A state correction official, Joe Papy, said that a probation officer had asked a judge on Dec. 30 to declare Smith in violation of his probation because he had not paid all his fines and court costs.

Papy said Circuit Judge Harry Rapkin declined to find Smith in violation, which could have returned him to jail. The judge defended his decision Friday, saying the probation officer never sent him the evidence he requested that Smith had willfully refused to pay.

Carlie's family questioned why Smith was allowed to be free.

"In my opinion he should have never been out on the street," Carlie's father said.

Neighbors said Smith and his wife had separated recently and he had moved out of the house.

Linda Thompson, who lives next door to the Smith family, described Smith as a good father to his three daughters. She remembered him playing with them in the yard, buying them a puppy and building a goldfish pond for them in the front of the house.

"That's the Joe we saw, so when this started it was hard to believe that there's a different side," Thompson said.

A small group of supporters kept up a vigil outside Carlie's ranch-style house, which is decorated with banners and posters reading, "We love you, Carlie."

Carlie's friends said the blonde, blue-eyed girl idolized Jennifer Lopez and enjoyed going to the mall and hanging out with friends. She had a cat named Charlie and a 6-year-old half brother and a 10-year-old stepbrother.

"She was loving and caring. She doesn't like to see other people hurt. She'd be really crying if this was one of us or someone else she knows," said Tiffany Meeks, a friend at school who placed flowers along a memorial at the car wash. "It's just hard to talk about."

Now let's compare that with the whole Super Bowl incident. One was a rather amusing case of titillation while the other is a sickening crime so deplorable that it almost defies description. Add to that the fact that the brutal maniac who committed it should never have been let out of prison. That is something to get REALLY enraged about.