Monday, May 21, 2007
In Today's News
Former President Jimmy Carter announced today that he was mistaken when he referred to George W Bush as having the worst impact on the nation around the world. In actuality, he was referring to long irrelevant Nirvana/Pearl Jam knock-off band Bush as “having the most adverse impact on the positive influence of grunge and theoretical alt rock and that GW Bush was too much in their league and not enough in Pearl Jam’s league”. The Bush White House had no comment on this new observation.
The Bush Administration did however announce plans to begin bombing Microsoft headquarters in Redmond Washington. The bombing will begin once citizens in the surrounding area have been given sufficient time to evacuate, avoiding as much collateral damage as possible. In an interview, Bush said that after trying to use Windows Vista for 4 months and failing miserably at it, he is convinced that Vista “qualifies as a weapon of mass destruction. Of one’s personal computer that is.”
Authorities have announced that Paris Hilton will not have to serve 45 days in prison. Instead her sentence will be reduced to just 10 days if she agrees to stay off of the cover of People Magazine for two whole years. If she fails to do so, she will be required by law to have plastic surgery.
Fresh off the success of assisting in getting Don Imus booted off the air for referring to the Rutgers female basketball team as “Nappy Headed Hoes”, the Reverend Al Sharpton has started on a new campaign. The campaign will be to get Home Depot to remove all garden hoes from the garden tool department. It is still unknown whether Reverend Jesse Jackson will be joining Reverend Sharpton on this crusade.
Congress announced a change in immigration policy. The change is that all immigrants be they legal or illegal will be automatically be granted citizenship if they change their last name to Smith immediately upon entering the country.
Al Gore announced that he has determined that Global Warming may in fact be caused by political rhetoric from both the extreme left and right. “If the likes of Coulter and Moore would just calm down a little, maybe the earth would be better” Gore said.
And in Entertainment News, it is revealed that much of the general public has acknowledged that much of the popular music of today is EXTREMELY derivative. One man on the street interviewee was quoted as saying. “Of course James Blunt is a Van Morrison wannabe who will be largely irrelevant two years from now. Dagnabbit he’s our Van Morrison wannabe who will be irrelevant two years from now. Of course Coldplay is bad U2. Of course John Mayer is Dylan watered down.” Further comments from the general public forthcoming.
Former President Jimmy Carter announced today that he was mistaken when he referred to George W Bush as having the worst impact on the nation around the world. In actuality, he was referring to long irrelevant Nirvana/Pearl Jam knock-off band Bush as “having the most adverse impact on the positive influence of grunge and theoretical alt rock and that GW Bush was too much in their league and not enough in Pearl Jam’s league”. The Bush White House had no comment on this new observation.
The Bush Administration did however announce plans to begin bombing Microsoft headquarters in Redmond Washington. The bombing will begin once citizens in the surrounding area have been given sufficient time to evacuate, avoiding as much collateral damage as possible. In an interview, Bush said that after trying to use Windows Vista for 4 months and failing miserably at it, he is convinced that Vista “qualifies as a weapon of mass destruction. Of one’s personal computer that is.”
Authorities have announced that Paris Hilton will not have to serve 45 days in prison. Instead her sentence will be reduced to just 10 days if she agrees to stay off of the cover of People Magazine for two whole years. If she fails to do so, she will be required by law to have plastic surgery.
Fresh off the success of assisting in getting Don Imus booted off the air for referring to the Rutgers female basketball team as “Nappy Headed Hoes”, the Reverend Al Sharpton has started on a new campaign. The campaign will be to get Home Depot to remove all garden hoes from the garden tool department. It is still unknown whether Reverend Jesse Jackson will be joining Reverend Sharpton on this crusade.
Congress announced a change in immigration policy. The change is that all immigrants be they legal or illegal will be automatically be granted citizenship if they change their last name to Smith immediately upon entering the country.
Al Gore announced that he has determined that Global Warming may in fact be caused by political rhetoric from both the extreme left and right. “If the likes of Coulter and Moore would just calm down a little, maybe the earth would be better” Gore said.
And in Entertainment News, it is revealed that much of the general public has acknowledged that much of the popular music of today is EXTREMELY derivative. One man on the street interviewee was quoted as saying. “Of course James Blunt is a Van Morrison wannabe who will be largely irrelevant two years from now. Dagnabbit he’s our Van Morrison wannabe who will be irrelevant two years from now. Of course Coldplay is bad U2. Of course John Mayer is Dylan watered down.” Further comments from the general public forthcoming.
