Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sarah Palin Speaks
“Good evening. Friends, Romans, countrymen…oh wait!
Let’s try that again. Is this thing on?
Good evening. I’m happy to be here and so grateful that Sen. McCain chose me. Me, of all people. Look at what’s happened to me. I can’t believe it myself…
Now I’ve had to deal with some hard questions from the liberal media. Questions on whether or not I’m fit to lead. I’ve even had some people diss me on the internet (didn’t their mamas raise them better than that), comparing me to Dan Quayle! What’s wrong with those people? I can spell Potato. P-O-T-A-T-O. Or is it Potahto, like that song goes? Who cares? I just know there’s no E in it. At least he didn’t misspell semen as seamen!
Now one of those hard questions the liberal media keep asking me is if I know enough about foreign policy. Specifically do I know enough to deal with foreign policy issues should McCain kick or drop-kick the bucket and I end up as President Palin. Sheesh! Why did they never ask that question of George W Bush? Because they saw how close Texas is to Mexico! They also didn’t ask it of Obama or Hillary because New York and Arkansas have no foreign territories near them. Aside from Georgia of course. It is near Arkansas isn’t it? Then we should’ve sent troops in there when Russia invaded. But how did Russia get troops to Georgia I wonder. I know. They snuck them in through Alaska when I was still busy celebrating my selection as candidate! So I’ll need to get back to Alaska once the election is over and if we lose so I can tighten up the border security. But at least I know how to tighten up state border security. That’s more than Hillary knew. That’s why she lost. So please stop comparing me to Hillary! Her defense policy would involve using a pea shooter on the Russians. Me, I’d use a super soaker.
That brings me to another irritant. The tendency of people to say Sen. McCain picked me to draw in the Hillary voters. Why would he do that? To paraphrase the late Lloyd Bentsen; I’m no Hillary Clinton. Nor would I want to be. I’d rather be Imelda Marcos. She has all the good shoes. Look at fast I lose heels. Imelda never had that problem I bet!
When I first took the office of Governor of Alaska I told my constituents “Ask not what you can do for the caribou. Ask what the caribou can do for you”. They took my advice. Today, over 30% of the homes in Alaska have caribou carpeting. Many people have cut back on fattening fast food hamburgers. Hold the pickles; hold the lettuce, caribou meat does not upset us. No, it’s a tasty treat.
Now-oh wait what is that. Oh it’s John signaling me that my time is almost up. So I will close by saying let’s focus on building that bridge to the future. Only this time, let’s make it a suspension bridge. That won’t be as likely to collapse. So thank you, good night, God bless America and God bless Alaska with its close proximity to Russia!”
“Good evening. Friends, Romans, countrymen…oh wait!
Let’s try that again. Is this thing on?
Good evening. I’m happy to be here and so grateful that Sen. McCain chose me. Me, of all people. Look at what’s happened to me. I can’t believe it myself…
Now I’ve had to deal with some hard questions from the liberal media. Questions on whether or not I’m fit to lead. I’ve even had some people diss me on the internet (didn’t their mamas raise them better than that), comparing me to Dan Quayle! What’s wrong with those people? I can spell Potato. P-O-T-A-T-O. Or is it Potahto, like that song goes? Who cares? I just know there’s no E in it. At least he didn’t misspell semen as seamen!
Now one of those hard questions the liberal media keep asking me is if I know enough about foreign policy. Specifically do I know enough to deal with foreign policy issues should McCain kick or drop-kick the bucket and I end up as President Palin. Sheesh! Why did they never ask that question of George W Bush? Because they saw how close Texas is to Mexico! They also didn’t ask it of Obama or Hillary because New York and Arkansas have no foreign territories near them. Aside from Georgia of course. It is near Arkansas isn’t it? Then we should’ve sent troops in there when Russia invaded. But how did Russia get troops to Georgia I wonder. I know. They snuck them in through Alaska when I was still busy celebrating my selection as candidate! So I’ll need to get back to Alaska once the election is over and if we lose so I can tighten up the border security. But at least I know how to tighten up state border security. That’s more than Hillary knew. That’s why she lost. So please stop comparing me to Hillary! Her defense policy would involve using a pea shooter on the Russians. Me, I’d use a super soaker.
That brings me to another irritant. The tendency of people to say Sen. McCain picked me to draw in the Hillary voters. Why would he do that? To paraphrase the late Lloyd Bentsen; I’m no Hillary Clinton. Nor would I want to be. I’d rather be Imelda Marcos. She has all the good shoes. Look at fast I lose heels. Imelda never had that problem I bet!
When I first took the office of Governor of Alaska I told my constituents “Ask not what you can do for the caribou. Ask what the caribou can do for you”. They took my advice. Today, over 30% of the homes in Alaska have caribou carpeting. Many people have cut back on fattening fast food hamburgers. Hold the pickles; hold the lettuce, caribou meat does not upset us. No, it’s a tasty treat.
Now-oh wait what is that. Oh it’s John signaling me that my time is almost up. So I will close by saying let’s focus on building that bridge to the future. Only this time, let’s make it a suspension bridge. That won’t be as likely to collapse. So thank you, good night, God bless America and God bless Alaska with its close proximity to Russia!”
Sunday, September 14, 2008
What Obama needs to say
“My fellow Americans.
I stand here in front of everyone. To some people I’m a hero. I’m the leader who came out of nowhere to lead the overthrow of an establishment that many see as incompetent at best or corrupt at worst. To some I’m the enemy, out to overthrow a system that they believe works. And to a few, specifically those who believe every commonly known yet commonly false rumor that crosses the Internet, I’m a Muslim and by association a terrorist or terrorist supporter.
Well I’m here to say that all of that doesn’t matter anymore.
It’s no longer about those old arcane notions of viewing each other. It’s no longer about Liberal or Conservative, Republican or Democrat. It’s about those who actually want to move forward, those who desire real progress and those who want to keep the status quo.
Remember after Hurricane Katrina when Kanye West said ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’. He was right. However, his observation was way too limited. Bush does not care about black people. However he also does not care about Hispanic, Asian or non-rich white people either.
Apathy is out there. And right now, that is what is doing us real harm.
When Ronald Reagan ran for president in 1980, he asked a very pertinent question of voters. The question was: ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’
Now I’m here to ask the same question, only with a slight numerical change. My fellow Americans: Are we better off now than we were in September 2000?
How many people believe we are? A show of hands please.
That’s right. We most certainly are nowhere near better off than we were 8 years ago. We’ve been under an administration that had 8 years to actually get in there and get things done. We’ve had an administration that had many opportunities to improve things. And look where that has got us. As per the title of that Neil Young album, Everybody knows this is nowhere.
We need to move. We’ve been at nowhere too long.
Now my opponent John McCain will likely accuse me of flip-flopping at some point in the coming weeks. Allow me to laugh out loud while I ponder that for a minute or two.
Recall that Senator McCain previously made a run at the White House in 2000. When he ran, he ran as a moderate. One who mixed the right elements of so-called conservatism and liberalism. What did that get him? A crushing defeat by George W Bush in the primary.
So when McCain decided to run in 2008, what did he do? Reached right out to the so-called Moral Majority as exemplified by the likes of Pat Robertson and the late Jerry Falwell. I say so-called because they are neither moral nor are they a majority.
But what was his position on the so-called moral majority in 2000. Let’s go to the videotape:
“I am a pro-life, pro-family, fiscal conservative, and advocate of a strong defense. And yet, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and a few Washington leaders of the pro-life movement call me an unacceptable presidential candidate. They distort my pro-life positions and smear the reputations of my supporters.
Why? Because I don't pander to them, because I don't ascribe to their failed philosophy that money is our message.”
Those are the words of John McCain from a February 28 2000 speech in Virginia Beach. Think of that Mr. McCain, before you decide to accuse ME of flip-flopping.
McCain ran against Bush as an alternative to him. Now he wants to be Bush 2.0?
We do not need Bush 2.0. We need to reformat the whole system and start over fresh.
That folks is what we need. Real change. I will not actually promise anything because I cannot guarantee anything. Promising anything during a presidential run is like trying to run for class president in Middle School and promising to get the horrible food out of the cafeteria if you are elected. But this is what I would like to do once I get in there.
(Lists plans)
That’s the type of change I would like to see happen. So if you vote for me and work with me, maybe we can see change of that type happen. But I need your support.
Thank you”
“My fellow Americans.
I stand here in front of everyone. To some people I’m a hero. I’m the leader who came out of nowhere to lead the overthrow of an establishment that many see as incompetent at best or corrupt at worst. To some I’m the enemy, out to overthrow a system that they believe works. And to a few, specifically those who believe every commonly known yet commonly false rumor that crosses the Internet, I’m a Muslim and by association a terrorist or terrorist supporter.
Well I’m here to say that all of that doesn’t matter anymore.
It’s no longer about those old arcane notions of viewing each other. It’s no longer about Liberal or Conservative, Republican or Democrat. It’s about those who actually want to move forward, those who desire real progress and those who want to keep the status quo.
Remember after Hurricane Katrina when Kanye West said ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’. He was right. However, his observation was way too limited. Bush does not care about black people. However he also does not care about Hispanic, Asian or non-rich white people either.
Apathy is out there. And right now, that is what is doing us real harm.
When Ronald Reagan ran for president in 1980, he asked a very pertinent question of voters. The question was: ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’
Now I’m here to ask the same question, only with a slight numerical change. My fellow Americans: Are we better off now than we were in September 2000?
How many people believe we are? A show of hands please.
That’s right. We most certainly are nowhere near better off than we were 8 years ago. We’ve been under an administration that had 8 years to actually get in there and get things done. We’ve had an administration that had many opportunities to improve things. And look where that has got us. As per the title of that Neil Young album, Everybody knows this is nowhere.
We need to move. We’ve been at nowhere too long.
Now my opponent John McCain will likely accuse me of flip-flopping at some point in the coming weeks. Allow me to laugh out loud while I ponder that for a minute or two.
Recall that Senator McCain previously made a run at the White House in 2000. When he ran, he ran as a moderate. One who mixed the right elements of so-called conservatism and liberalism. What did that get him? A crushing defeat by George W Bush in the primary.
So when McCain decided to run in 2008, what did he do? Reached right out to the so-called Moral Majority as exemplified by the likes of Pat Robertson and the late Jerry Falwell. I say so-called because they are neither moral nor are they a majority.
But what was his position on the so-called moral majority in 2000. Let’s go to the videotape:
“I am a pro-life, pro-family, fiscal conservative, and advocate of a strong defense. And yet, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and a few Washington leaders of the pro-life movement call me an unacceptable presidential candidate. They distort my pro-life positions and smear the reputations of my supporters.
Why? Because I don't pander to them, because I don't ascribe to their failed philosophy that money is our message.”
Those are the words of John McCain from a February 28 2000 speech in Virginia Beach. Think of that Mr. McCain, before you decide to accuse ME of flip-flopping.
McCain ran against Bush as an alternative to him. Now he wants to be Bush 2.0?
We do not need Bush 2.0. We need to reformat the whole system and start over fresh.
That folks is what we need. Real change. I will not actually promise anything because I cannot guarantee anything. Promising anything during a presidential run is like trying to run for class president in Middle School and promising to get the horrible food out of the cafeteria if you are elected. But this is what I would like to do once I get in there.
(Lists plans)
That’s the type of change I would like to see happen. So if you vote for me and work with me, maybe we can see change of that type happen. But I need your support.
Thank you”
